Mind Moss

I had to make another...

2012-02-16T12:18:00.000-05:00

For the Geeks out there and The Bloggess

Juanita the Weasel for The Bloggess

2012-02-16T08:44:00.000-05:00

Poetry Friday Word

2012-02-08T13:18:00.000-05:00

I nearly forgot to post a word for this week. Sorry it's a day later than we've been doing but here it is. A friend of mine has been taking pictures of an art installation in her town. They are bear statues decorated in different ways by many artists. Lovely things. She said we should use the word bear for Poetry Friday and there you have it. BEAR

Poetry Friday: Mouse

2012-02-06T07:45:00.000-05:00

A poem for mouse:

I Choose

Oh to be a mouse in the corner

and hide from the glare of your deceit.

To take to shadows, under honest feet

I could cower out of burning reach.

Ah to be a mouse in your mirror

watching what you deign to adore,

to close my eyes against knowing's gore

to shrink, recede, embrace ignored.

Oh to be a mouse without horror

to live among those of my choosing

and wake somewhere other than mourning,

to give and give again without losing.

I to be a mouse with a mouse's honor

and walk along a cloudless meadow,

breathe an air from under your shadow,

to feel again, to rage it out in wanton bellow.

Ah to be a mouse no longer

I cast you off, your winter's tower

I take no blows of your wasted hours

I shirk the shadow and spurn to cower.

Oh to be a mouse with a lion's roar

I choose to be a mouse no more.

Words Words Words

2012-01-31T10:23:00.000-05:00

How long since I've been here. Sigh. I would like to write a poem again. Which means I really ought to participate in Poetry Friday. Ahem.

How about a word for this Friday? A word like MOUSE. One of my main supporting characters in the book I'm currently writing is a mouse whose role is much greater than his size. And I'm enjoying this character's voice a lot. So I've got mouse on the mind. I think that's a good enough reason to throw it out for the Poetry Friday word.

Will you be joining in Friday?

Word

2012-01-18T09:19:00.000-05:00

No real time for a proper blog post, but I have several in the works. In the meantime, throwing the Poetry Friday word out here so there is some time to prep something for the week.

How about WATCH - which could be the verb to watch as in watching the world go by or people-watching, or as a noun the watcher or the watch as in he is the watcher in the window or it is time for the changing of the watch or I haven't set my watch properly.

Remember, Poetry Friday is just a prompt. You can write poetry, stories, lists, make art, whatever your creative bent moves you, just somehow use the word of the week. Then share share share!

Poetry Friday - Lame

2012-01-13T11:57:00.000-05:00

Driven

We've been driving in the fast lame

getting nowhere

lining up for paper rolls

and setting our feet to roads

without fulfillment.

And then there were the stores

of things

that clung to us

weighed us down

filled our hearts with nothing.

We tripped thinking we had it all

the dream

the life

the stuff of pride.

We had more than we bargained for

percentages and minimums and

things that wouldn't leave

for years to come.

This street lined with timber

and kindling.

That street ghosted out

of buildings and machines.

We whispered about

the other side of the tracks

then we came to them

we found a mirror there

we stood across from ourselves

and pointed in.

Underweight Kids

2012-01-10T08:00:00.002-05:00

Before I start this post, I want to re-post the Poetry Friday word which is LAME. Don't forget.

There is so much information out there for getting kids to eat healthy but not a lot for fattening up kids who are underweight. Understandable.

As I previously mentioned, 2011 sucked for us. We went through a large upheaval and tragedy. Our twins, now 7 years old, were diagnosed with PTSD and have been seeing a therapist. We noticed that our son had lost a lot of weight. A worrisome amount. But we thought that therapy would help and so we waited. Therapy goes well, but his weight still worries us. He has always been a very skinny boy, on top of which he has a metabolism like his father's - highly active and in need of feeding regularly or they suffer sugar lows, to the point of vomiting. Don't worry, we consult our doctor about these things of course. But here's the thing, we need to encourage eating without stuffing him with empty calories to gain weight.

What to do. It's not difficult to find healthy eating tips. What is difficult is finding the balance between healthy eating and eating to gain weight. Here's what we're attempting to do.

As much as my husband and I would prefer to eat a larger variety of meals, we're sticking to the kid favorites for now. If they love the meal, they are more likely to eat it and eat seconds too. I am adding whole milk into their diets for a while. 2% isn't going to cut it for the time being. I bought cookbooks specifically for kids. I am encouraging the kids to participate in the meal making. When they are invested in the food on the table, they are more inclined to eat it.

Here are some meals we're making: macaroni and cheese (not the kind that comes in a box - I can't stand that stuff), tacos, roast beef, roast chicken, mashed potatoes, breakfast for dinner like pancakes or french toast and eggs, pizza (strictly homemade of course - we won't break our pact), hamburgers, spaghetti. Anything the kids love, it's going to be on the table.

I am also encouraging healthy snacking between meals. We've always used fruit for that. Lately I try to give them yogurt or cheese with their fruit.

I'll let you know how it goes. Tell me if you've had this problem, what did you do?

Resolutions Are Lame

2012-01-09T08:00:00.003-05:00

I've heard you cast down by so many. Poor little tradition. No one loves you anymore. But secretly everyone, even the people who deny it, thinks about you. So don't you worry, you lame little tradition. We may be keeping it hidden behind closed doors, but we're keeping you close to our hearts.

We can't help it. New Years are new beginnings and who of us faces a new beginning without assessing ourselves? If we start a new job, we take inventory of our skills and decide to do more or learn new ones. If we marry or start a new relationship, we think about our qualities and what the other person sees in us. We are human and I for one am not ashamed of it.

So yeah, I made some. Here's the thing though, at this point in my life I try to make things that are attainable and that I am ready to conquer. Let's face it, if we're not ready to commit to something, it will fizzle in no time. But pushing ourselves, having the gumption to say I'm going to do this thing, that's something to proud of.

First. My husband and I re-watched Super Size Me. We try to re-watch this from time to time to remind ourselves just how unhealthy fast food is, in spite of its convenience. This is not a resolution. It could be seen that way but because it is the two of us together we prefer to think of this one as a pact. We promised each other that we would not eat any, that's right ANY fast food this year. We can eat at restaurants with good and proper food cooked fresh. Or we will cook our own at home. (Yes we are allowing ourselves to eat french fries as long as we make them ourselves.)

As for my personal resolutions, I have decided to work on five things.

1. I want to push myself to watch more movies that I am too scared to watch. This may sound weird but I have a tendency to avoid movies if I think it will be too stressful, therefore limiting myself. Limitations like that are for cowards and I refuse to be a coward.

2. I want to push my fear away about my writing and finish what I've started. I've joined a writing group and I plan to force myself to get feedback and face criticism and then put my stuff out there and get it published.

3. I am getting in shape. This is a fairly common one I know. I had an operation last summer, at a time when I wasn't particularly healthy in the first place. I was forced into a long, sedentary recovery. But two months ago I joined a gym, paid for personal training and already have this one kick started. I'm just saying I'm determined to see this through.

4. I have determined that I am a lousy sport when playing board games, card games and the like. I play not to lose, instead of allowing myself to be competitive and I seethe when I'm losing, which makes me not fun to play with. I will learn to play to win and have fun while doing it, winning or losing. GeekMom Rebecca Angel gave me the idea.

5. I want to be true to myself. I'm a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal. I love writing, making things, trying things and traveling. I've left a lot of me behind to be a mother first and foremost for the past fifteen years. Now that my youngest children are in primary school and I have the time to do it, I am resurfacing as an individual as well. I like that. I'm hanging on to it.

P.S. the word for Poetry Friday this week is LAME.

January Arrived and Brought 2012 With It

2012-01-07T15:00:00.000-05:00

2011 sucked. We had the most trying, most tragic, most sad, most spirit withering year in 2011. The great thing is, we survived. We came out stronger. I learned things about my husband I hadn't understood before and I think he did too. We were forced to work harder on communication than ever and it has made our marriage the stronghold that got us through. That and movie quotes. But. 2011 is done, over, finito and I say, "Good riddance you filthy bag of rot! Get your things and get out!"

The United Nations named 2012 The International Year of Cooperatives. I however have my own thoughts on the matter, and have decided to name 2012 The Year of Hope. I know of many people who had similar troubles in 2011. So let this year be the year we begin to put those sorrows behind us. Let this year be the year we step outside and scream "This is my year!" Let this year be the year we achieve dreams, we fall in love, we fall in love again, we stand strong in the face of fear, we dare. I'm asking you, do you have the guts to dare? Dare to hope and make this year one full of memories and fun and happiness?

Are you with me?

Geek Gift List that Won't Break Your Bank

2011-12-21T17:19:00.000-05:00

I know it's very close to Christmas, but if you're still doing your shopping and you have a geek or two to gift, I have a list for you. So many gift lists for geeks are expensive and most people think geek and equate that with high-priced technology. I'm here to tell you there are many wonderful things any geeky gal or guy would love. Here are some.

Before I begin, actually, I'd like to say, in full disclosure that I am not paid by anyone mentioned here, nor have I been given any products. Any products by these people that I own were bought by me. I am speaking from consumer experience only.

1. Let's just start with the Geek Toy mecca: www.thinkgeek.com

They have an abundance of super things to choose from including t-shirts that range from $16 to $19 and cover every bent of geekdom: manga, math and science, computer techie, gamers etc. They also carry one of the most comprehensive inventories of weird and wonderful geek toys and gadgets like plush microbes and tribbles, trebuchets, magnetic cannons, slide rulers, office monkeys, I could go on and on. And right now they have a Holiday Gift Guide so you can choose by price or category.

Everything you see here costs less than $40, most of it ranges at $20.

2. I've never known a geek who didn't have a penchant for soda or USB devices. How about a USB mini fridge? These run in the range of $15 to $30 depending on the brand you buy. Granted some people complain about the cooling power on these. Here's the skinny, they keep an already can cool and are able to cool a room temp can but that takes quite awhile. Let me just say that most of my codemonkey friends were getting their soda from a machine or the office provided cans in a fridge. Keeping it cool at your desk = awesome. Besides who wouldn't want one of these on their desks just to say they have one on their desks?

These can be found on amazon.com or thinkgeek.com or at many local big box computer stores.

3. Speaking of soda. Here's one that is so simple that many people don't even think of it. Buy a case of your geek's favorite soda. He or she will love you, I promise.

4. Building your own electronics is pretty damn cool. There are some basic tools you can get for this at very reasonable prices. Take the multimeter - a device for measuring voltage, current and resistance. Just this tool alone will bring hours of enjoyment for the electronically inclined. You can get this in a fairly standard digital version for $15

Or you could go fancy for about $50

Or your best bet: buy them a kit to build one themselves for $20!

Check your local electronics store or online stores like www.sparkfun.com

5. A couple of other great electronics gifts you could get are a solder vacuum ($5), soldering iron ($10), solder lead ($10), soldering iron stand ($6), head lamp ($10 - $20), MAKE magazine subscriptions (1 year print $35, or 1 year digital only $20), or gift cards to online electronics stores so they can build up their parts inventory. Also, a lot of electronic geeks out there are getting into Arduino, check out some fun things using Arduino at www.adafruit.com. You can buy kits, chips, and all sorts of electronic accessories for prices ranging from $5 to $100 or more.

6. Back to the idea of soda. Your geeky friend is probably a munchie junkie on top of loving soda. A gift basket of munchie foods will be applauded. If you're worried about the health of your geeky junkie, fill the basket with healthier options like juice, crackers, popcorn, they'll still love you.

7. Don't forget coffee. All geeks practically live on coffee. In fact, let's just say that the four food groups for most geeks are: soda, chips, coffee and coffee. Don't think you have to go off half-cocked in the wind with your budget on this one either. It doesn't take a giant 220V machine to make a great cup. Bodum's been proving that wrong for years now. As for espresso and latte, try stove-top moka pots ($10 to $40) for the espresso lover, or Mr. Coffee and Capresso both have machines in the $25 to $50 range that get high reviews on Amazon.

8. For geeks that aren't translucent from being inside 24/7, you know the outdoorsy, hiking camping type, here are some great things you can shower them with. A firesteel

costs around $12. A self powered radio with solar power and cell phone charger costs around $35. Or an outdoor kitchen set that includes things like portable cutting board, collapsible spatulas and spoons, small spice jars and s&p shakers can be found for around $40. Or how about a set of two collapsible stainless steel wine glasses for $25 or stainless stemless wine glasses for $20? You could throw in a bottle of wine if you felt inclined to spend a little more.

9. For the girl geek specifically, check out www.etsy.com for great computer parts turned jewelry. You'll find circuit board necklaces, capacitor earrings, and all sorts of geeky fun. Just search computer jewelry, electronics jewelry or circuit jewelry. Prices start as low as $5.

10. Any geek loves his dry erase or chalk board. These can be bought new in many ranges, or what I did was buy a used chalk board and repainted it with chalk board spray paint. If you're handy enough, you could paint some board (chipboard or other appropriate medium), frame it and voila you've made one yourself. Don't forget they need supplies for their boards. So you could buy chalk or dry erase pens for great prices too!

Well, hope this helps. Now go make a geek glow with happiness.

Ten Links Tuesday and Poetry Friday

2011-12-20T08:44:00.000-05:00

1. Have you heard of the Elf on the Shelf? I just ran into this idea the other day. It sounds fun.

2. I'm a day late making the Jello play dough for our Advent activities. Oops.

3. A word for Poetry Friday: frost.

4. Have you ever noticed that gift lists for the geeks in your life are riddled with rather expensive things? I was thinking of making a geek gift list for those of us who love our tech-addicted geeks but still have budgets.

5. I have done handmade gifts for the past few years. It is fun and it promotes a less commercial side to holidays. However, this year time ran out on me. I'm becoming much more at ease with convenience as I get older. Perhaps I am moving past that sense that I have to be the perfect mother.

(image found at MotiFake.com)

Which is nice. Since I'm not perfect. Seriously.

6. I am off in search of Borax today. We're making snowflakes for today's activity. You know, I've never made crystals? It seems like it's a staple of most childhoods, and yet somehow it eluded me. So I guess today's activity is as much for me as for the twins.

7. My grandmother always gave everyone socks for Christmas. It wasn't the only gift she gave, but it was her tradition. These were usually not your run-of-the-mill socks. They were crazy. I always waited eagerly to see what fabulous abomination of socks she would send. I loved them all. I couldn't let this tradition go away, so I'm picking up her torch and sending out some fun socks I hope are worthy of my grandmother's memory.

8. Continuing with the sock theme, I'm making dino-socks for the twins for their sock gifts. How fun is that?

9. I have a Christmas playlist. It sounds nothing like the stores. Why do they always play the same things over and over? There are so many great Christmas songs out there like Relient K's 12 Days of Christmas (believe me, it's not the traditional song), or The Feature's Father Christmas, or Barenaked Ladies' Footprints. Actually Barenaked Ladies whole album Barenaked for the Holidays is great.

10. What is your favorite Christmas movie? I think I'd have to go with a 'Capra-corn' classic, It's a Wonderful Life. But I would say that Love, Actually and A Christmas Story run a close second.

Poetry Friday - Shadows

2011-12-16T19:16:00.000-05:00

In memory of Phyllis Taylor (Grandma Fluff) whom I loved dearly.

She Dances

We stroked her hair

and told her good-bye stories.

We asked her if it hurt,

being human.

She gave us the finger,

then she slipped out the back

door of living.

Her tough little frame

with the skin sliding off

has disappeared into stardust

filling a vessel

unequipped to contain that much light.

She joined the shadows of trees,

we laid her nowhere.

I think she dances over stars

and tickles the universe.

Poetry Friday Word

2011-12-13T18:35:00.000-05:00

Guess what's happening on Friday? Sherlock Holmes a Game of Shadows releases. Guess what we're going to be doing? Having a date night! Oh yeah.

And, do you know what else?

It's Tuesday. Last week worked so well with the word announced on Tuesday instead of Wednesday that I'd like to do it again.

Let's mash up Friday date and Friday word...and use...SHADOWS.

There you go.

Poetry Friday: Party

2011-12-09T09:35:00.003-05:00

I have three sections for today's post. First a poem.

background music

hubbub in the room

behind the door

she flounces through

blatantly pink and sufficiently glittered

she holds the party

on the tip of her finger

her spellbound laughter

draws the room inward

she is the background music

the open window of air

they're all caught in her pupils

locked in to her

every movement flows

like newspaper in the wind

__________________________________________________

Second a photo montage.

Pajama Party

Dance Party

Cocktail Party

Political Party

Geek Party

__________________________________________________________

Third a video.

Philadelphia Story Jimmy Stewart and Carey Grant

(It was pointed out to me that the video I had posted wasn't working - use this link instead. Sorry about that.)

Name that Character

2011-12-08T14:40:00.001-05:00

My biggest hang up as a writer is naming my characters. Nothing stops me faster or longer than introducing a new character. Suddenly it becomes paramount to find the perfect name. I think about the character, what fits the image in my head, I research names on baby naming sites. I have spent days looking for the perfect name for even minor characters. My last manuscript still doesn't have a name for, guess who, my main protagonist no less. But, when I hit on the one that feels right it sticks. In the manuscript I'm currently writing, my main character had his name long before I wrote the first sentence.

In most cases, I don't feel comfortable continuing with a story until whatever character I'm working with has a name. I had a name for my main character in the first manuscript and three-quarters of the way through the book realized it was annoying to read. That's a major problem. The last thing you want to do is turn off your readers with a name. That goes for naming just about anything I think - a character, a place, the book itself. I'll bet you've read a book that irritated you because a name used often enough tripped your tongue every time you read it. Even an astounding book will suffer that way.

I've experienced writer's block for plot only once or twice. This may or may not be a positive sign, I prefer to look at it as positive. I usually know where I'm headed. However, naming things just waves a red flag into my brain and stops the train dead.

I've been thinking about this problem and wishing I could build a repository of pre-thought out characters with full backgrounds and names. The problem with an approach like that is that the character has to fit the story and incidentally the world you're describing. It might work to modify a character into the story but that seems so forced. Characters have a habit of popping out of nowhere and demanding to be given their spotlight. I prefer to allow this freedom, it perpetuates creativity.

Wednesday again

2011-12-06T11:15:00.002-05:00

It seems I have only time for Poetry Friday posts right now. I'm busy busy with my Christmas to-do list, and enjoying every minute of it. I just love Christmas. We put up the tree this weekend and the kids had a blast putting on the ornaments. It's snowing outside today and supposed to snow all week. Could a romantic like me ask for more in December? Doubt it.

(oops I forgot to upload this)

My husband told me last week that my poems are all sad. This week I'm going to attempt to write something more upbeat. We'll see. In that vein then, I'm thinking we could use a word that at least leans that way. Like party. Yeah PARTY!

P.S. You may have noticed that blogger so kindly shows the date I post and yet my mind had so made up that it was Wednesday it completely ignored blogger's kind reminder. But yes, today is Tuesday. So the title of my post is a blatant lie. For shame, for shame.

Poetry Friday: Sore

2011-12-02T14:10:00.000-05:00

I'm putting up two entries for this Friday's poetry post. The first is a short free verse and the second is a Haiku in the english haiku tradition (based on syllables). The word for this week is sore.

No Rainbow

Doctors diagnosed

Mr. Earth, contracted

Planetary Fatal Disease,

call it PFD.

They say it's carried

in the human parasite

causing sore trees and fevered waters

oozing of foul colored liquids

and onslaught of extinction.

Have you seen the sky burning?

That's no rainbow, that's radiation.

Haiku:

vehemence of faith

throbbing pain of a sore tooth

gnawing at their gums

A Word for Poetry Friday

2011-11-30T21:00:00.000-05:00

It's that time again! A word to use for Poetry Friday. Come Friday, make a post, a list, a poem, a drawing and post it up on your blog, webpage, facebook page etc. Then leave a comment here or tweet it using the #poetryfridayword!

What is the word you ask? In honor of my excruciatingly aching muscles, the word is sore. I hope to see some fun stuff out there. And spread the word.

It's Tuesday - Ten Things

2011-11-29T20:23:00.000-05:00

So I've seen this Ten Things Tuesday for a long time. Thinking back, I can't recall having ever done one. Well, why not?

1. It's amazing how the idea of gathering ten random thoughts has rendered my brain incapable of having any thoughts. What is that? (Actually, that's number one, that's what that is!)

2. I tried my hand at making a tiered, layered, decorated cake this weekend for a family birthday party. It tasted great. It looked, I'll say cute, but I will never be a professional cake decorator. I'll stick to writing.

3. I've been grappling with my current manuscript and how dark I can go in a kids' book. Neil Gaiman is a master at this. I however, constantly question whether I'm being too bubble gum, so I let myself go dark the way I'm inclined and then wonder if I've gone too far. Dilemmas.

4. I hate peripheral noise. I'm no good at writing when there is a flurry of activity happening in my vicinity. I can't even listen to music with words while writing - most of the time. I like to immerse myself in the story, it washes out the physical world. But when the physical world forces its way back in, it irritates me.

5. Holiday crafting is in full swing. I've got 25 days of advent to finish preparing, and gifts to make. I'm running late as usual. It wouldn't be any fun if I wasn't rushed right? Right?

6. I have a wish list for Santa: a better year in 2012. It's a short list.

7. I might also want an iMac. But I'm thinking the short list is enough for Santa to handle.

8. It is raining. It is almost December and it is raining. I realize that by February I'm going to be sick of snow and counting the weeks (yes weeks) until it stops snowing and melts away. But right now, my Christmas heart wants snow, darnit.

9. We've opened the vault of our Christmas movies. OK we don't really have a vault, but we've allowed ourselves to start watching them now. My two favorites that we own are The Elf and Love Actually. Of course, the others are wonderful too. What is your favorite Christmas movie? I'm always looking for new ones to add to the collection.

10. The kids and I were reading some of our winter and Christmas books. Here are a couple of great books to read to your kids this time of year: When Will It Snow by Marty Crisp (which apparently is no longer in print?),

of course Dr. Suess's How the Grinch Stole Christmas,

one of our all time favorites by Margie Palatini Mooseltoe,

and for older kids I enjoy Gary Paulsen's Brian's Winter.

Lastly, this is a book that is not necessarily wintery or Christmasy but it always makes me think of Christmas: The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams.

Tell me some of your favorite books to read for the holiday season.

Poetry Friday: Exclusive

2011-11-25T08:10:00.000-05:00

I remembered today that I used to post up audio of me reading these poems. That was fun. I'm thinking I might start making video readings of the poetry. But for today, it is exclusively print. Without further ado:

The Little Hammer

Here is a stone set on a stone
and a million others
building reverence where
men are still men.
An exclusive world of gray rooms and gray-haired
lords strolling in the confidence of
black. Here is a stack of floors
holding all the sorrows of a city.
Here are the people caught
in all the nets of imperfection.

Here are the echoes of isolation.

Here the little hammer will fall.

Poetry Friday - words words words

2011-11-23T20:12:00.003-05:00

I have my random word generator working as I type (read: husband).

I have been told the word for Friday is decreed as supercalifragilisticexpiali.... just kidding.

It is exclusive. Not as in only some people get to know the word, but as in, it is the word. Spread it around. Let's get some posts from lots of people. Shoot me a comment here or twitter the link with #poetryfridayword (I've changed since #poetryfriday seems to be being used for someone else's friday poetry activities. just so we know who we are, you see.) Post a poem, drawing, honeydo list, prose - you can post up anything, include the word exclusive, post it on Friday and what do you know, you're in on Poetry Friday.

See you there.

P.S. it dawned on me that some people do not have blogs or would prefer to post up in different forums. Please - by all means. Just give the link or tell where to find it. Facebook, twitter, your own website, youtube video, get creative, heck make a commercial on the tele! I'd love to see them all.

On Understanding Grief and Happiness and Guilt - The Soup of Defeat

2011-11-22T07:54:00.000-05:00

When we first encountered grief, it was a state of shock. It was difficult to breathe. It was difficult to accept that people everywhere were continuing to do things like work, play, eat meals, have normal days. That passed. Eventually we started working, playing, eating and having days without feeling like robots. Then I remember the first time I laughed spontaneously. I felt foreign to myself in that moment. As time has passed, we have experienced happy moments, good days, waves of sadness, the gamut.

It's the happy days I find the hardest. During the happy I get caught up in the happy. But afterwards, the guilt creeps in. I'm not supposed to be happy. After all, we lost something so big that it stopped our lives for several months. So with the guilt, I throw myself back into the grief. Self-defeatist.

I would tell myself, I should be happy, I have kids who deserve a happy mom. But they are words in my head and the guilt monster has a louder voice. So the circle of the soup of defeat spins around me. Each time though, I get a little bit better at being ok with happiness. Happiness and I are getting to know each other again, starting anew.

In the end, I feel that the secret to grief is two things: surrender and forgiveness. When I surrender to my emotions I push through. When I fight my emotions it is merely an exercise in clutching to them so tight, they can only pile up inside feeding the fire. Forgiveness, I'd like to write about again in more depth, but the main thing here is to forgive anything that guilt tries to tsk tsk. I can forgive me, and thumb my nose at guilt. If there's one thing I love, it's the freedom to be stubborn. I scorn guilt. I invite happiness to cross my threshold, I'll enjoy its visit if I can.

Oh Poetry Friday, You Ran From Me.

2011-11-19T08:07:00.000-05:00

Life, sometimes life demands more than poetry. However, I do have a poem for Poetry Friday, just not on Friday. So be it.

The word was FRAME.

A Prayer

She dons her name,

a shawl draped across her shoulders,

a fortress against the cruelty of ceilings.

She's constantly searching for

the salvation of skylights.

Life is a distraction for

the world in her head.

She thinks against

the locked doors which

bar her in a female framework.

An exalted derision.

In her head mankind

is a dirtier word than girl.

In her head there is a trap door

where she walks through

fields of butter and jasmine.

She's waiting for celestial epiphanies

floating down in the pollen of trees,

she sits, staring up

into a haze of purple morning sky.

People passing say she must

be a saint

or a prayer.

An Idea Sought and Found. Two TED Talks to Reinforce Belief in Humans

2011-11-17T08:00:00.002-05:00

Often times you hear young or new writers being advised to write what you know, or write the book you want to read. Excellent advice, fairly logical. But writing doesn't just happen because you know certain things or love to read certain things. Something more comes into play. Ideas, original ideas. After that the work begins, crafting the idea, prodding your characters to come into the limelight, learning to allow your characters to tell you their story, to interact with people naturally. Often these ideas that start a story are more than one idea that have collided into each other and that lightbulb moment clicks. Aha!

I am a big fan of Jane Austen. I have read all of her well-known completed books. I love them all. I enjoy period movies, especially the Regency ones. But I felt I could never write a Regency period book because they are basically romances and there's plenty of that already out there. I needed something more original. This has been lurking on the back-burner of my brain for years. I left it there purposely, feeling that someday the right two ideas would meet and then I'd have a novel in the making. The other day, two ideas crashed head on in my brain and I sat up in bed feverish to get notes down. (I most often have these ideas in the wee hours of morning for some reason). And now, added to my list of books in the queue is a Regency period which will of course be a romance (my first attempt at that genre to boot), but I am hoping to take it beyond the typical romance formula, push it further toward literary fiction. We will see.

As a writer, I have learned never to throw out an idea all together. You would not believe the amount of paper scraps, leather bound journals, and random documents in the computer, I have scattered throughout my existence with the slightest phrase or inkling jotted in them. I keep them all. I revisit them periodically. Some of them turn into poems. Some of them blossom into short stories or full novels. So, I believe, no matter how terrible the idea seems, keep it. Tuck it away. Let your unconscious brain do the work of mulling on it, even if for years at a time. You may never use it, but it may catapult you into some other idea, or it may one day throw itself on a train track and derail another thought, blending and meshing into the aha moment.

----------------------------------------------------
and now for something completely different:

a TED talk I love.
Charlie Todd: The shared experience of absurdity | Video on TED.com

I was planning to only post up one TED talk today but this one, you just have to watch:
Thomas Suarez: A 12-year-old app developer | Video on TED.com

Poetry Friday Word

2011-11-16T05:59:00.001-05:00

Wow we're back to Poetry Friday already! I'm posting up the word today to give us all a little more time to boot it around before creating our masterpieces.

Last night I was staring at this art print that my husband gave me for my birthday. I love this print. It is quintessential Quebec to me. Snow and children bundled to resemble little snowmen.

So I was staring at this print when the word FRAME popped in my head. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Poetry Friday: Homemade

2011-11-11T07:59:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a bit rusty at the poetry under duress medium, but it sure feels good to do a Poetry Friday again. What fun!

Good Intentions

She posts up her homemade pity;

she's taken pains to weave it.

She'll shoot a photograph

for her store front,

she holds it like a robin's egg

ready to be split and drained.

It's an admiring thing.

OOAK Pity Blanket

(she writes in all earnestness)

This is an OOAK piece woven

with all natural organic emotion.

If you look carefully you

will find a less fortunate hidden

directly in the weave.

(she picked this one out especially)

I'm calling this one Soup Kitchen,

as you'll notice the fresh

colors of poverty and strife

enthused with a warmth from

living in the open.

(Ah the greys, browns, and deep ochres of

shopping carts and old coats and setting suns!)

All amounts are in Good Intention Dollars.

Shipping to be calculated at check out.

__________________________________

***Don't forget to twitter your posts for Poetry Friday with the hashtag #poetryfriday!

Poetry Friday and the word is...

2011-11-10T06:26:00.001-05:00

I consulted my word dispenser and he has informed me that we are going to be using the word: homemade. I hope to see some posts tomorrow with the word homemade in it. Poems, prose, to-do list, knock yourself out. Also, if you have a twitter account, tomorrow after you've posted your Poetry Friday post, twitter the url and use #poetryfriday so the word gets spread! I'll be searching the tweetworld for you.

Poetry Friday

2011-11-09T19:03:00.000-05:00

I miss Poetry Friday. So I'm going to do something about it. Tomorrow I'm going to force my husband to randomly come up with some word and I'll post it up so that by Friday I'll also post up a new poem and anyone who wants to join in, just make a poetry (or any other kind for that matter, life is too short to be that picky) post Friday using the word. See you back here tomorrow for the word!

On Life Lists and Aging

2011-11-08T06:59:00.000-05:00

I started making a Life List. I didn't mean to. It started out a short term goal thing, trying to move myself to action. Then I stumbled across http://mylifelist.org and the thought of a list of the things I've always wanted to accomplish sounded cool.

"I'll write one and I'll get started on it right away!" So I opened a blank document and put down number 1, the thing on my mind in the first place, get in shape. Then I blasted into the next four and stopped. I thought a bit and eventually wrote down seven more. Then I drew a complete blank. Complete. And to tell you the truth some of the things on my list are not all that extraordinary, but they are important to me. Overall however, I stared at that list and thought, Jeez this is pathetic. I can only come up with 12 things?

I thought about when I was a kid and the things I would have said. I realized that the list becomes much more constrained as I get older because 1) I realize some things just aren't possible, 2) I've achieved some of the things I would have written before and 3) I think I have forgotten how to dream big. Forgetting how to truly dream is an occupational hazard of adulthood.

When I was 21 I remember being full of wonder and excitement because life was all about possibilities. I told my grandmother, "I feel myself becoming a woman," and she smiled the most wonderful smile. She told me she loved being with younger people because the world is open to them. So why when we get older to possibilities dwindle? They don't you know.

Check out this article about the life list of a seven year old. Talk about dreaming big. Maybe one of the items on my list should be to reconnect with my child dreamer.

What would you put on your life list?

Can I Lead the Argonauts?

2011-11-02T06:15:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about passion. Successful people tend to be passionate about what they are doing. You can hear it in their voice. It doesn't have to be some lofty thing, or astounding. Some people are so passionate about quilting that they make a great living out of it. Some people are so passionate about programming that they invent new things. Not only are these people successful, they love their jobs, they have fun.

Heroes are people with passion. They believe with every fiber of their being. Imagine Jason pursuing the golden fleece, sauntering through the countryside, whistling as he goes, tossing rocks and stopping in at every pub. Not exactly the picture of drive.

I've been wondering if I am passionate enough. I love writing. I can't imagine doing anything else. But am I actually passionate about it? Life has interfered so often in this last year that I wonder if I am allowing it to. I have begun to feel that living in a place where nuance of conversation is lost so that I have essentially one friend and three family members in my immediate surroundings to talk to, my own family in the wider circle, is this limiting my scope? I wonder if my world view is becoming bent too far in the direction of the people I am able to talk to.

Is passion something like love at first sight? Does it hit you over the head and you think, "Bazinga! I know what I want to do"? (thank you Sheldon for the expletive) Or is it something you've known all your life? Is it a combination of the two? Some element suddenly comes together with another and inside you feel you've found what you've been looking for all this time? Or maybe it's just the act of sloughing off self-doubt.

I can see myself adrift at sea, not really rowing as hard as I should. My little lifeboat sort of heads in a direction. I wish for more passion, more drive.

Becoming a Quebecoise Cook

2011-10-27T15:20:00.002-04:00

It's not that Quebec is different than any other region of say, North America, or anywhere for that matter. There are these simple, traditional dishes that you can find almost everywhere, but in each region they are done just a little bit different. For that matter, each household diverges from the "standard" recipe as well. When I first moved to Quebec, I spent a lot of fruitless time looking for familiar ingredients to make meals I particularly liked from the southwest region of the U.S. Some of those ingredients are here, but let's face it, Quebecois are about as likely to regularly cook Mexican food as a country village in China. My mistake was in holding too tightly to my food memories.

I did manage to make the things I loved, but many had to be altered. For instance, I cannot find soft taco shells made from corn (or Masa Harina) here. They are all flour based. So I bought Masa Harina and thought, I'll just make my own. Oh how I laugh now. Not only did I have a dickens of a time just getting the dough right, pounding out and flattening and then pre-frying each one before even being able to fry them up for the actual meal proved far too intensive. My stomach wasn't that picky. So I switched to flour and though I still think corn tortillas are the best, I'd rather have my tacos than be prissy.

I think the transitive day as a cook living here for me was the aha moment of realizing there were so many wonderful dishes here that would be categorized as comfort food at its finest, and I could get the recipes with one phone call. Duh. Shepherd's pie in the states, in my opinion holds no candle to Pâté Chinois. Roast beef? Huh uh. Try Bouilli aux Legumes. Sloppy Joes? Nope. Pain a la Viande. It's not that they are fancier. On the contrary, many are far simpler. But all sorts of things make them so good. Pâté Chinois for example is supposed to be made in a very particular order (as taught to me by my Mother in Law - who incidentally taught me all of these recipes, so they are bent to the particular household I have connection with of course.) Bouilli aux Legumes is all about the right vegetables, the browning of the meat, deglazing with dark red wine and the specific herbs used. I could go on and on and on.

Then of course there are the dishes that are just French. You haven't tasted love till you've had a great bowl of Boeuf Bourgignon or big slice of Tourtiere. I'm starting to salivate, excuse me.

I used to love to try all sorts of exotic dishes. Lately, I'm in my "Aliment-reconfort" phase. Bring on the butter, the mashed potatoes and gravy and don't forget the wine!

School with a Learning Disability

2011-10-25T06:09:00.000-04:00

School has been in full sway for two months. We are finally finding our rhythm about homework. Our daughter who has the learning disability (dysphasia) has struggled tremendously. We were not able to get her into the special school for her disability due to a lack of space and her young age. Therefore we (the school and my husband and I) decided to graduate her up to first grade this year even though we knew it would be difficult for her. We couldn't justify keeping her in maternelle/kindergarten because she is perfectly mature for her age. We believed that would have been even more discouraging, seeing her twin brother move forward and so forth.

The first two weeks of school were filled with a lot of tears. Every morning, every evening, "I don't want to go to school." This was a total turn around from last year. Even though most of the time she didn't understand what was going on in her class, she loved school and wanted to participate. But first grade is more academic than kindergarten and she is more self-aware. Imagine that you are in a class and you cannot understand the teacher, the other people around you and you cannot express yourself to even let them know this. Now remember being a child and the inherent cruelty of teasing that every kid seems to possess no matter how nice they are. Yeah, that's a scary, dark place to be in.

So I met with the school and we decided that finishing all of her homework is not necessary (thank god because it was taking us about an hour and a half a night - that is definitely not encouraging to anyone at the age of 6, and who has been struggling all day all ready). That the most important goal right now is to keep her engaged and happy at school. The lucky girl has a team of eight people working with her: my husband and I, her teacher, a learning technician, a speech therapist, a school psychologist, the principal, and a student who has been paired with her to help her understand what is going on in class and to help her socialize more with the other kids. Sometimes I marvel at the beauty of people, especially in the teaching profession. As if their jobs weren't hard enough, they go out of their way to spend extra time helping children like my daughter. I am wholeheartedly grateful.

How Big are you, Baby?

2011-09-26T09:43:00.000-04:00

I remember this Little Golden Book when I was a child called How Big?

Pictured here is the 4th printing, mine was the 5th. Ah how long ago. I still have it in fact. My mother, bless her, saved many of the Little Golden Books we had as children.

My point. I always loved this book, and this particular line: "And are you as big as your shadow? Now, Guess! Well, sometimes no--and--sometimes yes!"

I don't know why but I was thinking about this today. About being our shadow, hiding in it or claiming a space bigger than that. A simple line from a child's book, and yet, it feels as though there lies a cavern of meaning. I wonder if I am living in the comfort of my shadow when I am hesitant to write online, to put myself out there. I find it rather ironic that I started here because I had such a difficult time talking to people in the real world, and now, the tables have turned. Not that I've found some great oratorial level in my life, however people in general just aren't scary anymore. Most of them are actually quite wonderful. Excepting of course the strange drug like effect that driving has on us, most of us are decent humans. So if online and real life aren't a match for me, where is the shadow? How big am I?

I wish I knew.

Proof

2011-08-18T06:04:00.000-04:00

I have definitive proof that technological devices are actually zombies:

1. they decay faster than they regenerate

2. their two main goals are to eat or keep going

3. they eat brains

When the going gets tough

2011-08-15T07:00:00.001-04:00

What do you do in the face of adversity?

I bake. Over the last six months, I have baked countless batches of cookies, cinnamon rolls, zucchini bread, homemade breads, pies, cobblers, you name it. I probably could have salted everything with my tears - there's a Like Water for Chocolate moment for you.

I clean. You should see my house. Not only have I been cleaning and organizing, but I've been repairing walls and painting too. Don't get me wrong, the house is still old and in need of tons of repair, but at least it has shiny surfaces and neat closets.

My husband and I quote movies. We laughingly say that movie quotes got us through. Whenever we're feeling especially unglued, we start quoting our favorite funny lines from movies. Some of our best pick me ups:
"Prepare to die obviously!" - Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
"With wove, twue wove" - The Princess Bride
"There is some blue sky, let us chase it!" - Sense and Sensibility
"I'm not going into the toilet. I'm going into show business!" - The Producers
"If I am wrong, and I am never wrong." - The Princess Bride
"Never go in against a Sicilian, especially when death is on the line." - The Princess Bride
"But it's a talking dog!" - Up
"Scott Pilgrim (or insert other name like our own) you have earned the power of love!" - Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
"Light bulb." - Despicable Me
"We have to get out of here before they eat Guy." - Galaxy Quest
"I don't even have a last name!" "You have a last name Guy." "Do I? Do I?" - Galaxy Quest

And lastly I sing. Very badly. Very off key. But I sing and it makes me feel free somehow. I started out listening to the saddest songs including a lot of Damien Rice. Then I made my Happy Songs playlist
and the sun started showing up in the kitchen. Thank goodness my family loves me as much as they do, putting up with my out of tune embrace of life.

Pie Dreams

2011-08-12T08:38:00.000-04:00

Craft Magazine just tweeted about hosting pie throwing parties, which reminded me of my dream last night. I dreamt I was going to throw a pie in someone's face, but not just any pie. I had a table full of different pies and I meticulously poured over each one making sure I chose exactly the right pie as the person waited patiently for me to prepare to pie him. I don't even remember who the person was.

I wonder how Freudian this might be?

When you think about it, we associate pie in face as a joke, a lighthearted act of backwards camaraderie. However, if you considered the actual ramifications of being the pie-er or the pie-ee, either way, it could be construed as rather passive aggressive. You know how some psycho-professionals (not the kind that go postal, the kind that help the postal) say that expressing your anger is important, sometimes they even say having anger at all is important to your health? I agree. When we do not get angry, we do not protect ourselves. I have lived this phenomenon for years. In reality I was angry, but had trained myself for so long not to feel it that I would blatantly allow downright hurtful actions to be hurled at me. When I finally figured out how to be angry without losing control, I began to understand the need to protect myself. What surprises me to this day is how long that road has been. At least 8 years, and I'm still working on it.

Back to the pie throwing and the healthy anger association. I was thinking how insidious passive aggressive anger is. I had flashed a thought wondering if passive aggressive could be healthy in any way, but analyzing it brings no discernible argument in its favor. Passive aggressive is meant to be hurtful, I believe. It is a sneaky way of jabbing at someone or something. We all do it, on some level. Too bad we don't have some phenomenon for being passive cheerful. Then again, outright cheerful would be preferable anyways.

Many Happy Returns

2011-08-11T15:12:00.001-04:00

After a long hiatus, I have decided to return.

I've had the worst year of my life this year. Honestly. And yet, I am happy, probably happier than ever. I've learned that every moment counts, every person I love is precious, and being an active member of the world going on outside my door is a must. I have largely shed my fear of people. I understand choosing happiness now. It doesn't mean I have to always be happy, it means I am always actively seeking that state. There are legitimate circumstances in life that will rob us of happiness, prevent it completely. But these forces cannot keep up their influence forever unless we allow them to. Not an easy battle, defeating the dark side, but absolutely possible. I've always believed in being a pillar of strength, protector for my children. That has been tested to its limit this year. At this point, I dubiously quote a former President, "Bring it on." I can't imagine it getting any worse, truly. I don't intend to either. I want my children to look back on the events that we've lived through and remember me as the bull-headed, smiling, singing, loving mother that got them through.

On the sunnier side of the street, my husband has a new job he is happily anticipating. The relief of his stress levels has brought a warmth back to this house that we've missed for two years now. We are growing and it comforts me to know it. An indication we are alive and kicking.

I'm not sure I'll have much more of weight to say here (then again I'm not sure I won't either). However, for what it's worth, I'd love to say something anyways. I have missed the uncertainty, the exhilaration of sending my voice out into the everywhere and waiting to see what pops into view. And though I guard my poetry mostly for publishing these days, I think I'll be offering it up again here. I miss sharing that too.

I've sensed a falling away of the blogging world. It has been gobbled up largely by a social media which I admit I frequent. But I believe the blog world still holds great value and I hope there are others still lurking around this place with the same feeling.

Around every new corner

2010-12-01T08:23:00.003-05:00

Dysphasia. A developmental language disability. The possibility of never reaching the level of competence to attend University. The lifelong persistence. A mother's initial shock, then determination, confusion, desire, self-blame. You name it, the mom thing of course becomes at once unreasonable and highly mentally organized for a future plan of attack. Better to oscillate more toward plan of attack.

Our daughter has had a preliminary diagnosis of developmental dysphasia. Basically it means that her brain didn't develop language skills the way it ought to have and that causes her to have difficulty expressing herself, understanding others, learning new language concepts and so forth. She's developed a coping mechanism in Kindergarten by watching the other kids and figuring out what she's supposed to be doing. However, she doesn't always guess right and this causes frustration for her. She has a very difficult time developing personal relationships because of it.

On the other hand, she's quite intelligent. She's highly creative and has always maintained a drawing skill level higher than most kids her age. So dysphasia doesn't mean she lacks intelligence, it means she can't express it well or process other people's input well. She expresses herself better through drawing. I suspect this may be a compensation effect similar to blind people's ability to hear more acutely etc.

From here forward. We are just now processing what this all means. But mostly it looks like it means speech therapists and specialized schooling. Mostly we want her to feel like nothing has essentially changed. We don't think differently about her, her new school (she will likely start next September for the next year) or anything else about her. We still want her to grow up thinking of her school career including University and that she can do whatever she chooses to put her mind to. If in high school it becomes apparent that University certainly isn't going to be possible, then we'll be there for her, encouraging her toward her talents and passions and that will be that. So yeah. Still figuring it all out. For now, one step at a time. She's only five. We've got time on our side.

I am constantly amazed...

2010-11-17T06:37:00.003-05:00

Photo from www.dornob.com

http://dornob.com/dumpster-diving-other-creative-urban-upcycling-ideas/

Google 'upcycling' and you'd be amazed at the creative things people are doing.

Here in Mossville

2010-10-07T06:31:00.004-04:00

Hey. Thought I'd show a bit of the things I've been up to for the last couple of months.

The twins went to summer camp. Here they are with their monitors:

Then we took them to the local festival.

My parents came for a visit.

I went to Vegas to visit my lovely Grandmother, and my aunt and uncle popped in too!

And then the twins started kindergarten.

Now I'm thinking it's time to get writing and blogging. We'll see. Best laid plans and all.

And how the road turned

2010-10-02T16:52:00.003-04:00

My dog has died. It's been a rocky time for me.

She was six months old. I grew more attached to Ellie in those months she was with me than I have ever felt for any other animal. I hadn't expected to grieve so heavily. My poor girl's life was far too short, but then who can change that now?

When I was sick recently, she spent the two days I was laid up in bed right by my side. She checked on me frequently, putting her wet little nose on my cheek. She brought me her toys and her blankie, and then laid down with a heavy sigh.

She was a fast runner. She loved to run and jump, she looked like she was flying.

When she wagged her tail, she wagged her whole butt.

She learned several tricks the best of which was when I would say, "Bang!", she'd flop to the floor and lay very still.

I miss her. The house is too empty now.

New Kid in Town

2010-09-07T14:49:00.003-04:00

The last time I wrote here, I asked 'who am I' in more words than that, as is my fashion. But I digress already. Who am I is a question I bandy frequently. The downside is (or was, read on..) that most of the time the answers came back in washes of guilt and regret. Especially the last two years. I secretly occupied my mind with heavy tonnage of those. Recalling every mistake, wishing to right every wrong, and wallowing in the inability to go back and do it over.

Then last May I had a birthday. A rather significant, almost another momentous birthday birthday. I turned 39. I began to wonder if there was a way to let go. To free myself of all this baggage. Because I became aware, awake, even startled by the idea that half my life has passed. If I am reaching a halfway point and am still stuck in injuries endured, injuries inflicted, mistakes made all from the past, how in the hell am I ever going to enjoy my future, what is left? Will I waste it too?

And then I took a small trip to visit my Grandmother in Las Vegas. Which will most likely be the last time I will have seen her alive. And lovingly I looked at her. I thought about the life she made. I thought about the things she taught me. And I realized, letting go doesn't take some ritual ceremony of burning lists. Some night of chanting away the evil in my brain. It is what it is. So I let go. Just let go.

It wasn't easy I have to say. It wasn't a matter of feeling all the black and gray ashy things inside me flutter off into some neverwhere. There were choices to make and forcing of new habits. But herein, a movie, odd, probably considered rather fluffy and insignificant, changed my life. I had seen a movie called Nine. A musical. And the women in this movie were sexy. Some were strong and forward and free. One in particular that made a lasting impression on me. As someone who hides often behind words and screens and fears, I admired this character much as I had admired Scarlett O'Hara as a child. And I felt I wanted so much to be able to be like that. Confident in myself as a woman, as a writer, as a lover, as a mother, as a friend, as a person. But I knew that doesn't come from something, it comes from simple choices. Choices I started making.

Have I fallen from the wagon? Oh yes. I can admit that. Because I know, falling does not mean staying down. I got right back up. And I continue to do so. I do the littlest things that force me into the new. I forced myself to introduce myself to mothers at the school and have made a friend. I forced myself to start wearing the two piece bathing suit I wanted so bad, the tighter clothing I thought I didn't deserve to wear anymore. I forced myself to say no to people like my mother and my husband so that I could make choices for myself. And you know what? I love it. I love being exactly who I want to be.

Another Wave

2010-08-02T09:46:00.003-04:00

Remember the movie Sex, Lies and Videotape? Sometimes I feel like Andy MacDowell's character in that, in the way that she obsessed about all the things going wrong in the world. Things she couldn't change. To a point it is almost crippling.

I look around today and I remind myself, if we all did what we could from our homebases, we'd make a huge difference. While I can't make my neighbor go green or eat locally, I can do those things. But sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. I mean, I wish I could actually fix something. I wish I could stop feeling outraged about things. Oil spills, governments, big corporation fraud, garbage, pollution, agribusiness' monoculture, bees dying, polar ice caps melting, global warming, species extinction, famous child molestors, need I go on? But it all seems so futile. Even when I thought I finally made a difference with my vote, now I'm not so sure. My husband likes to point out that the Obama administration has re-elevated science and brought it back into public view. That alone is a great accomplishment. But I want more.

Who am I but a voice carried on the wind to nowhere? A tiny speck of sand on the beach huddled into the landscape with all the other specks. There is an ocean of trouble out there and all I seem to be able to do is watch it happen, watch it coming at us.

A box of this a box of that

2010-07-08T10:50:00.003-04:00

Ever get the feeling that cleaning involves a lot of moving of stuff but not really doing anything about it?

Stuff. I'm beginning to hate stuff with a vengeance.

We had an enormous garage sale. Sold off a ton of stuff. And yet...

--------------------

I get these ideas for organizing. But the problem is that I need organization equipment. And that takes money. So I limp along trying my best to organize without the equipment. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

I have a tendency to pile things I don't know what to do with. I'm not sure what the pile accomplishes. No one else is going to look at it and say, "I know what to do with this stuff!" Gah.

---------------------

Where to draw the line between fixing things and throwing them out.

I despise being a throw it out and buy a new one society. I cringe when salespeople say to me, "They're so cheap that when this one breaks, no worries, just toss it and get another!" NO NO NO, not a selling point.

But. Where to draw the line between saving, trying to mend and using that time for things like, oh I don't know, pursuing a career, raising kids, maintaining a home. Lately the motivation to make and repair has dwindled proportionately with the amount of time I spend on self improvement (i.e. writing dammit).

Where to draw the line

He loves me, he loves me, he loves me

2010-05-06T17:11:00.000-04:00

We've been together almost 8 years. And I spent the last few months questioning whether I still belonged in this life we're living. I think it's called seven year itch. Only I wasn't itchy so much as irritable. All the little faults that for years were just something that came with the guy I loved more than anything, suddenly became unbearable. Everything glared at me. And I seethed. I desperately tried to reconnect. I cried. I imagined myself leaving. None of it I wanted to live at all.

And then I was sitting around a fire with family and I looked into his eyes and they were the eyes I first got lost in. They smiled back at me. They always do. In fact, I thought about how he never ever complains about my faults. He sees me as the only girl in the world. And I was ashamed of myself.

When we decided we wanted to live together, I told him I didn't want to live with anyone without marriage. It wasn't a moral thing. It was a security thing. I had spent six years raising a boy by myself, and it had been tough and extremely lonely at times. I wanted assurances that he was going to be the kind of guy to make the promise and mean it. So he did, gladly. And he is the kind of guy to mean it.

I thought about that and I realized that I wasn't giving him the same security back by letting small things question my place in our marriage. So I concentrated each day since then on all the things that I love about him. And all those stupid faults faded into the background where they belong.

And I'm happy.

Social Responsibility

2010-04-28T06:50:00.000-04:00

A little fun for hump day

If you haven't seen this guy, I strongly suggest going over to youtube.com and looking up his videos (Tim Minchin) - he's hilarious.

Chasing Imagery

2010-04-21T20:35:00.000-04:00

These are a few snidbits that race across my brain which I chase like a dog at a car holding my pen and searching for paper. These turn into poetry at some later date.

Dormant gardens
laid out like bodies for viewing,
a lackluster sigh

---------------

The acrid sweetness
of a much needed shower
in secret rooms

--------------

the beat of his blood

-------------

her measure to metronome
tocking in three dimensions
the fluid waves of pianissimo
distant and white and promising

-------------

She's a ferret walker
she thinks she's some high class rebel
with her curls in the wind

-------------

the drone of sameness
spewing like volcanic ashen tedium
makes my ears drool dull stupor

Somewhere a dog barks, a rainbow billows, and an old woman clucks

2010-04-20T07:00:00.001-04:00

We saw a rainbow yesterday. I pointed it out to the kids. My daughter grabbed me in the tightest hug and whispered to me, "Thank you mama, you made a rainbow." (I realize this sounds suspiciously like a commercial once on the TV, but I swear that's exactly what she did, and I wanted so much to be able to take credit for it).

--------------------------------------------

We had a thunder storm that shook the house. I'm not kidding, we woke up thinking there might be an earthquake in progress. And I loved it. I'm looking forward to more and more of those!

--------------------------------------------

If I could change one thing about myself it would be my propensity to procrastinate. This bad habit usually leads to low self-esteem and guilt. Which tends to bring on the dark and listless days in which I get even less done and then guess what? We have a beautiful circle of dysfunction going, dalliance and I.

--------------------------------------------

Hot flashes. They have taken up residence. I rather like them in some odd way. I'm usually colder than I ought to be so the hot flash gives me a tingling flush of warmth. Of course, come August, in 90 degree weather with high humidity, I may be singing a different tune. The night ones are especially fun. (Now I'm being sarcastic). Throwing blankets off of my body without disturbing the one next to me and then grabbing them back is an art. The wisdom of women transformed by menopause becomes increasingly clear.

Dog Days of Summer

2010-04-19T07:36:00.000-04:00

How are teenagers like an old dog?
They lose their sense of smell and they smell like one too!

----------------------------

Where would mankind be without the discovery of the skillet? Seriously. Think eggs, pancakes, saute.

Or perhaps bunny slippers...

----------------------------

I had a stuffed Clifford the Big Red Dog when I was a kid. Actually I still have it only I gave it to my daughter. I always thought he was the best stuffed animal I had. Mainly because he was red and he was in a book.

Sometimes lately I miss that kind of innocence.

----------------------------

If you can buy produce at a store four blocks away but it is more costly than buying your produce at a store a half hour drive away but there is more selection and much better pricing, which do you choose? The long drive and extra gas or the quick stop?

I have waivered on this one. Sometimes the time and gas it takes to get the better selection and prices have been trumped by expedience. But my budget actually fares better with the longer drives.

Do you remember the bulk stores with the big barrels of grains and beans and other stuff? We had one called Piggly Wiggly. It had various other names as it changed management over the years before it finally died altogether. Convenience shopping phased that out. Now that I'm the buyer for a family I see the value in a store like that. It'd sure be nice if someone started those up again.

-----------------------------

I'm getting a dog! It was born two weeks ago today. I will be able to take it home early June. I haven't actually picked which one of the litter I will take yet. But I get first pick. I'm so excited. It is called a Goldendoodle (which is a Golden Retriever and Poodle cross). It is 1/4 Golden Retriever and 3/4 Poodle. I've waited about four years now, thinking about getting a dog, learning about training and raising a dog and being sure I had the time and energy for it. Yay!

I walked a crooked mile, I saw a crooked stile

2010-03-17T13:16:00.003-04:00

Gawd!

I am increasingly becoming disgusted with people on the internet. Seriously.

I think anonymity is getting the better of society at large. Sadly it is a global phenomenon.

For instance I love reading DIY type blogs and sites for ideas. I get an email from Better Homes and Gardens regularly with articles showing how to update furniture, ideas for decorating with flea market finds and full on room remodels with before and after pictures. It used to be that a site like that only attracted people interested in the ideas with very little criticism. I know criticism can be good. But now, people are complaining about the colors chosen for a room or that the remodel was too expensive or that not enough was done and I'm telling you, they are being vitriolic about it. On a DIY 'idea' site! Come on peoples, haven't you got better things to do than pretentiously pick on articles written to inspire? If you're such an expert, link up your own site with articles that you've written and well taken photographs with your advice. If you can even do that, see how long it takes before some arrogant troll starts belittling you and your articles.

TED. I love the TED talks. I don't always agree with them, but I understand they are for inspiration. Helping us all to think about things in new light and try to change the world or maybe just our own communities for the better. You should see the comments there! People just raving about how wrong someone is and how stupid they are. Jeez. I'd like to see these commenters get themselves invited to TED! Come on, show us what you got. How are you going to change the world?

Why. Why can't we join in the spirit of inspiration instead of consistently practicing the destruction of creativity or thought? What is so appealing about tearing down and laughing at rubble instead of building up and looking for ways to do it even better the next time?

When I read this stuff, I feel that the population is getting dumber by choice. A great number of people would rather adopt a bullyish attitude than try to learn something new, admit they don't know something being said, or most often I think, just to do it.

I find it disgusting.

Rant done.

When the Moon Hits Your Eye

2010-03-12T08:23:00.004-05:00

So, what are you doing for Pi day?

I've been waiting nearly a year for this. Last year I heard about it, two days after it had passed. Pi day, celebrated mainly by uuber geeks and math classes, is on March 14 (3.14). A day to enjoy that mysterious mathematical magic that is Pi.

What we're doing:

Eating Pizza Pi(e)
Dessert: Peach Pi(e)
Making ourselves Pi t-shirts with a homemade stencil or iron on (I haven't decided yet)
decorating the house with circles and equations
maybe we'll go on a Pi hunt - looking for circles

you know, all the normal stuff any everyday family would do, when they're totally geeking out. Heh.

Do you celebrate Pi? Come on, it's fun!

Farm Fever

2010-03-10T11:45:00.003-05:00

So Facebook has revived my addiction for all things country and farm by sucking me into Farmville. I can't stop myself I love this little application so much.

Also, we recently turned TV back on. So far we're doing quite well not getting sucked in to that too much. But I have reacquainted myself with a certain designer that I always loved: Sarah Richardson of Design Inc and now Sarah's House and Sarah's Cottage. Guess what house she's completely redoing this year? A farmhouse! So yeah, I'm drooling at the TV.

I sauntered into our bedroom last night where my husband was sitting in bed reading. I crawled on top of him and set his book aside, looked deep in his eyes and said, "I want a farm". Oh the sexy. He laughed and said "I don't think I want a farm." So I said in my deepest most sultry voice, "I want a farm, but you know, without the animals. Except for cats and dogs. But we could have nut trees and apple trees and a big garden that sits in the full sun. And maybe a little creek and tons of lawn for the kids to play on. And if we buy a riding lawn mower with a snow blower attachment, I'll do all the mowing and plowing." Nothing says sexy to a man than a woman offering to mow and plow. He kissed me and said, "OK, let's get a farm."

Of course, we'd have to first sell this house and find a farm and make sure it's livable and well, that means a farm will wait for years indefinitely. But at least he said yes!

The Little Deers

2010-03-04T08:18:00.002-05:00

Have I seriously been gone this long?

----------------------------------

A conversation in the car:

G: Mom?
Me: Yes dear?
G: Um, my name is G and I'm a kid and I want to talk to you Mom.
Me: Yes G?

(apparently he's not a deer)

----------------------------------

Simplifying your life entails a lot of piles and boxes which does not appear simple at all. In fact, it looks a hell of a lot messier than the piles which were hidden in closets.

----------------------------------

I've mentioned before that every year we get what my mother-in-law calls 'the snow that chases the snow'. It is a storm in early spring just after the snow has started to melt. It evokes the same reaction in me and most others too: "All that snow that melted and now it's back!" In reality it isn't really back because usually within two days it melts off again. Every year I like to say that Spring is being a tease. This year however, Spring arrived in her flouncy way melting off a ton of snow. Which was fun because we didn't get such massive amounts this year that the melting was progressing quickly. Then the storm came. (Somewhat early, which makes me suspicious that Spring's got another one hidden up her sleeve.) This storm however lasted three days and dumped more snow on us in one set than any other storm did this winter. So I told my husband, "Spring's not being a tease, she's being a bitch!"

The Eyes Don't Have It

2010-02-11T15:37:00.002-05:00

Today I had to face my mortality. The ever creeping of age and infirmity, thy name is optometrist.

I have presbyopia. It's a nice long word for you can't read things anymore! I have always been near-sighted. As in I can't see further than my elbow.

Now I've entered the land of the old lady and have to wear progressive lenses. Another large word for tri-focals but you don't see any lines.

Right now all I see is an old woman in the mirror. Boo hoo hoo.

And Now to the Point

2010-02-08T18:40:00.004-05:00

In my time hiding in my head I've found a lot of interesting relics floating around. Some become stories, others become keys to my story.

Before now, I've spent a lot of time figuring me out, routing a depressive state, establishing my footing as a mother and finding my delights. When I came to that road, I noticed there were straggling bits of me on the shoulders. Things like the absence of animals makes me just a little bit nutty, or knowing that my love of food borders on addiction. Not addiction for eating though, addiction for flavor. I just want one more bite of that spaghetti that turned out absolutely perfect this time. But this last bit I found, looms a bit more significant.

Let me start by giving you some back story. (Note, if this were a novel, I'd be showing not telling. But this is more memoir, so minus the lying that seems to be the mode of the day, I'll just tell what I need to say). In fact, I'll be short, two sentences short. I was raised religious believing in eternal life after death. I am now an atheist.

These two facts have largely been easy to reconcile given my disgust with organized religion and belief in science. However, I fixate on the fact that I will go away and cease to exist. It bugs me. I want it differently. Like any petulant child, I want my cake and eat it too. I want to remain in some form to watch my grandchildren, their children and all the subsequent children and family that stem from my children. I want to watch the world go on and see what happens.

Intellectually, I can grasp the idea of non-existence. I can accept it. But emotionally, no way. My heart clings like a desperate fish fighting the current to stay in the river. I just don't want to be swept out to sea. So I find myself on a journey of sorts, seeking answers.

To that end, I recently listened to an interview of Harold S. Kushner about his book Conquering Fear. And I was intrigued. So I'm planning to read his book. And hopefully others to help myself again find footing where the empty space gives way to a chasm in my road.

Here I am, an atheist seeking answers for life after death. Paradox I.

Live Each Moment How?

2010-02-05T11:29:00.004-05:00

I am my happiest when inside my head.

Three situations or activities that make me feel great include list making, thinking and taking road trips.

Lists I find soothing. It's like dumping anxiety onto a page and putting some discernible order to it. Sorting it out to remove the anxious parts.

Thinking in many forms takes me away. I've always loved being away. I learned at a young age to wear a mask of attentiveness while allowing my brain to travel distant journeys of thought and story. I have clung to this skill. However, engaging in it while attempting to be Mom is ridiculous and irresponsible. That doesn't always stop me, but I try. Reading books gives me the same thinking pleasure. Immersing in something other than my normal surroundings and allowing my thoughts and emotions to entwine in the new, the unknown, the desire to be something else.

Road trips are the most engaged way I find happiness. After all, a solo road trip can be fun but never as fulfilling as tripping with a car full of family, friends, or just your significant other. It is the idea of potential that makes the car ride so appealing. What lies ahead, even mapped out, cannot be fully predicted. You might see a deer, a construction site, a waterfall, snow, rain, rainbows. You might lie back in your sun warmed seat and enjoy the smell of heat soaking into the flesh of your thighs as you daydream about walking the beach sands once you arrive. You might savor the smell of gasoline after pulling from a remote gas station with old fashioned pumps and then ease into the soothing lull of the engine till your brain takes your senses into relaxed stupor. You might load up on sugar and soda and talk till your jaw hurts, or sing loud to the radio. Whatever you might do or encounter, it is not the stuff of everyday existence. And in any car ride, especially the longer ones, the moments of utter quiet, when each individual is physically there with each other and yet off in their own self-made existence of staring at phone lines pass or watching the animals graze, come frequently and the opportunity to recede mentally happily presents itself with unabashed splendor.

Being here, on this blog, I can ruminate about all these things. A sort of marmalade of those things that take me inside my head, to the place of happy. You are aiding and abetting me in escapism. So thanks.

I think the trick to living in the moment is to understand what kinds of moments fulfill you as an individual. That is not to say ignoring my children to be in my head is excusable. Being with my kids requires truly being here, focusing on them. But the other moments of my life, when I have the freedom to be something other than Mom, is it wrong to fulfill my living by diving inside the eddies of thought coursing through my grey matter? I don't think so. I can still engage with the world around me. I can take afternoons to visit people, to go out and be social. But I love the moments of silence, when I'm all alone and the door to the inner world is easily opened. Like a peaceful vacation without moving from the couch.

Qweek Qweek Qweek - The Sound of Furious Tricycle Escape

2010-01-27T11:59:00.003-05:00

A combination of having listened to three chapters of the Lovely Bones and then having eaten dinner too close to bedtime led to bizarre dreams and restless sleep. Like this one: I was being chased by an evil man and I was trying to get away...on a tricycle! Ever tried pushing a tricycle faster than a human can run? Yeah.

------------------------

Heard from the back of the car: Autobots! Destroy the princess.

------------------------

I can't cook liver anymore. Used to make liver and onions. But I've tried twice in the past month and both times it made me so sick to smell it cooking I had to throw it out. Twice! If I didn't know better I'd be at the drug store in the aisle with the little white wands with pluses and minuses on them. But thankfully, I know better. Maybe just some weird phase or hormonal change.

------------------------

The new Make magazine came in the mail yesterday. I haven't finished building even one of the eight or so projects I wanted to do in the first magazine I got. I'm afraid to even open it. It makes my head spin.

------------------------

Me: (sigh) I miss people.
Husband: That's what a sniper flunky would say.

Crazed and Behind the Times

2010-01-25T11:46:00.000-05:00

You know that old saying, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy"?

I have a mutation of that: All news and no fun makes Maggie a crazed mom.

I'm getting to that point where news is making me insane again. My infernal sense of fairness has been attacked from all directions of late. My disillusionment with the powers that be as powers that fail consistently to care for the things that truly matter has heightened. And I begin to wonder if I just don't get it. Or maybe I'm too heavy on one side of the news? In any event, I can hardly take it anymore.

To top that off, in a way, this is going to sound somewhat pedestrian of me, I feel like I need some entertainment that taps my intellect less. I'm reading a lot. This is excellent. I've recently taken up toying with electronics and given my schedule of mothering and writing that has left little time to unwind I guess. I feel wound as tight as a multi-firing rubber band shooter.

I realize that in days gone by, television wasn't even an option for entertainment. So I am acting rather spoiled when I admit that I miss TV for that very outlet of allowing my brain to melt into goo for an hour or two. Any life needs laughter. There are many places to find it, but TV sure is an easy respondent.

Add to that my overwhelming awareness that in the four years we've been without TV, we've reached a point where we're completely out of it when it comes to current trends, movies, music etc. We get some of it, but in large part we know none of the shows people talk about, we get news somewhat later than many (though internet is rather as fast as any I think), etc etc. This is all just a laundry list of excuses to invite the evil back into our home. Fortunately for us, we can't afford it right now. We're dumping everything extra we've got into tuition for the twins at pre-school, a much needed year of it.

The original idea of turning off the TV was to encourage other pursuits and stimulation during the first five years of the twin's life. Not just for them, but it seemed an important time in their lives to focus on mental development in that way. Now we're ready to attempt having it without giving in to total couch slouching. So, we've determined that by June, when tuition is finished, we could turn the evil eye back on.

Will we? Remains to be seen. We have six months to convince ourselves into or out of it. And so the saga continues:

As the Cable Turns
Days of our Wires
The Bold and the Techie-ful

Balancing on Your Balls

2010-01-20T21:12:00.001-05:00

All the kids want to be cool. Even us grown up ones. In fact, in some ways, we're worse than teenagers. Add to that the advent of internet communications: widespread, instantaneous and seemingly immortal, and the need to be something you want others to see rises like the Dow on a good news day.

Some people pull it off exactly because they don't care. Decidedly strong personalities being exactly who they are, or want to be. Not living an image. Living a life.

Then there are those so entrenched in the image that they lie, they become anonymous trolls, or they simply shift with the wind. They are cellophane. They may not know it, but the image they upload is drawn so tight it's a countdown to the inevitable burst wherein the hot wind held back comes blowing through.

And then we come to the end. Ok, that's a book. Then we come to the middle ground. Where many of us struggle to be who we are, but find ourselves affected by the massiveness of the outward world staring in at us. Many a blogger has analed the dilemma of writing for oneself and writing for readers. We won't go there. (Step lightly, all the king's horses have been through these fields).
But there exists this fine balance.

Most obviously failing that balance are those that force coolness by being sarcastic, hating everything to be sure not to be 'like everyone else' and not to be 'a lame loser who loves something pathetic'. They choose the dark road of negative, thinking they can shine through it with jest. But in the end, they come off rather, well, ignorant. Because if you can't have an actual opinion, you're not shining a light, you're just trying to reflect one. And let me tell you, you're no mirror.

Sure we all get snarky. And snarky is unbelievably fun. But being just plain Oh I hate that, I won't even go into it. Or God, you're not really into that are you? is flat and unimaginative.

So I say, you want to be different and cool? Grow some balls and have some opinions, and then, do something really original. Back them up.

Epiphanies of the Old and Cantankerous

2010-01-18T13:58:00.000-05:00

I was in a store the other day. The pharmacy to be exact. Where two older gentleman (older than me, thank you) and myself were waiting for our prescriptions to be filled. The people behind the counter were all young and new. They expended more energy talking to each other in constant stream of information about who is dating who and what party is coming up than in counting the pills. Which I think is rather scary. But, that's not my point.
My point is that I was standing there telling myself "They're young. Be patient. Don't be such an old codger" and yet the two gentlemen and myself were getting visibly irritated. This pharmacy has never taken this long to fill prescriptions, not even with this many people in the store. So there I was diligently attempting to be gracious (well, we'll say shifting from foot to foot, staring at the floor so I wouldn't be glaring straight in someone's face) and it dawned on me, we get to a certain age and everyone behind counters offering us 'service' is younger than us. I think this may be a considerable factor in the old age developed cantankerousness. Think about it. No, think harder.
If I had lived 65 or 75 years and seen so many things, I really don't want a twenty year old talking to me like I'm a child, and I sure as hell don't want someone with not so much, ok no life experience controlling my health/welfare/happiness/purchases/etc. Would you? All the time? Imagine the indignity of having to give up driving and then being condescended to by youngins. It gets my dander up just thinking about it.
So, the next time you meet a cantankerous old woman or man, smile and remember you're going to have to deal with whippersnappers like yourself someday.

Geeking Out

2010-01-13T08:35:00.000-05:00

I recently subscribed to this magazine: Make. It comes out every three months and is thick and chock full of great things. It is all about DIY stuff. But the variety is awesome. In the first issue there are projects for lazer shows, hydro-electric rockets, toy car shooters, rocket firing stations and the list goes on.

When I received the first issue, I was delighted to see Adam Savage on the front page. I was even more delighted when I read the interview with him. I've long been a fan of Mythbusters and love the way they jump head first into making things and trying things.

So I'm cutting my teeth on some electronics. I'm learning to read schematics and I ordered and started in on a book also put out by Make called Make: Electronics. And I've decided to build the lunch box lazer show from the magazine. I visited the local flea market for a lunch box at a dollar and I've been twice to a local electronics store. Man it's like being in a candy shop. And I love my candy.

I am now the proud owner of a multimeter

a bread board

a soldering iron and soldering wire

and various small electronic parts

I'm so excited about this I can hardly stand the waiting for the time to be able to sit down and dig in.

Shameless Plugs and Not of Follicular Variety

2010-01-11T20:45:00.002-05:00

I gotta do it.

The Brown Book Club just opened a new book. Link on over and watch the video. If you like the looks of the book, check it out, join the fun!

I've been thinking

2010-01-08T19:31:00.003-05:00

New Years hit me this year with a lot of thoughtfulness.

I spent the last year almost avoiding this space. And most other Internet spaces. Not because I was shunning anyone or hiding (OK maybe a little hiding), but mostly because I realized there was a plethora of life happening around me every day that I had been missing in the depression years. So I tried to make up for lost time. And I had fun doing it.

But, even so, I've missed being here. I came to the New Year with a less cynical view of resolutions. Why? Because even if a person makes resolutions and then does not accomplish one of them, they have still accomplished something. They've taken the time to analyze their life and find things they want to change. They've done what many never do, they've admitted their shortcomings, identified goals, inspired themselves. And even without making any of the things happen, they've taken the first step to realizing even one portion of it.

So I started thinking about resolutions this year. I had a list of fairly typical ones like exercise more (oh my, the ease of losing sight), read more, etc. But I thought about this space and searched for a way that being here made sense for me now. How could I get back into it and enjoy it the way that I want to? I thought about the self discovery journey I've been on for the last four years. It's been a long and winding road. I know that I love certain things. Writing. OK that makes this space make total sense. I love sewing but I don't really want to talk about that here - at least not regularly. There are plenty of sewing blogs and frankly, I love it, but I'm not that good at it so I haven't got a lot to say other than posting pictures.

Here are the things I think I'd like to talk to you about: books. I have the Brown Books Project (see sidebar) and encourage anyone interested in the weirdest book club to go check it out and join. I've been rather remiss for a bit and the club has waned in spite of the wonderful support of my friends there. Help me get that rolling again. I might be mentioning those books here from time to time. But I'd like to share with you other books I read. I'll be doing that here.

My writing. You might get bored with this one but let's face it, it's what I do. And this year I'm forging forward with goals to get more serious about it as a career. So I'll be talking about my forays and failures in the writing spectrum as well.

Movies. This one is a little more difficult because I don't go to theaters much. I buy or rent DVDs which means by the time I'm seeing a movie, most people are long past it. So I'll be mentioning them, but I'm thinking the focus will be more on older movies. This is a relatively recent passion. And I've got stuff to say so that's a good thing.

Other media. Like magazines and stuff. You'll find babbling about that too. I'm headed into a year of messing with electronics and DIY projects inspired by Make magazine. I'll be posting up stuff about that too. I bought a special science calendar for me and the kids. We're going to be doing some experiments from it. I'll be showing you the gruesomeness that is us armed with ordinary home chemicals. Ha. So there you have it. A sort of blogging resolution.

I've really missed you guys and am determined (famous last words I know) to get back out there, hop back on that horse and ride giddyup into the blogging sunset. Yeeehaw.

Ten Holiday Things Elven and Otherwise

2009-12-23T18:56:00.004-05:00

1. I've been practicing sock therapy again lately.

2. Christmas is almost here....weeeeeeeeeeee!

3. I miss my family this time of year the most. I want them all here so I can hug the dickens out of them.

4. Shipping costs are horrendous.

5. Because we need to ship presents and our family to us, we all don't do much with Christmas cards, so we only have two cards so far this year. Perhaps I'll have to re-institute a card tradition.

6. My Grandmother gives everyone socks for Christmas as one of their gifts. They are usually kooky and fun. I've come to look forward to those socks each year.

7. I want an animal to cuddle so bad.

8. Our advent this year had a lot of activities and we've really been having loads of fun. We made dog biscuits for my SIL's dog, we went to see Christmas lights in the neighborhoods, we made bread and we built mechano toys. Tomorrow we will be baking cookies for Santa. I like an advent calendar that gives memories.

9. I was good this year and didn't peek at a single present! Not one.

10. Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays!

The Original Blogger

2009-12-07T21:51:00.003-05:00

I think Andy Rooney could be called the original blogger. Not that he ever blogged, that I know of. But the style is all there.

I've been reading The Most of Andy Rooney and his wit and dry humor get me most every night. I'll be reading and then all of a sudden, out loud, I'll blast, "Oh yeah" or "That is so true" or "Ha ha ha ha I can't believe he said that". Fun reading for me.

I remember seeing Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes. The only reason I ever watched that show. (To be fair, I was young and not interested in news at the time).

If Mr. Rooney had had a blog, he'd be bigger than Dooce or the Bloggess or a battery of other cyber famous bloggers. Seriously, I'm sure of that. He's got the talent down to a science. Which is why he was paid to do it on TV. Of course, the verbal inflection goes a long way toward punching the humor home. But when I read, I can hear that inflection.

*Disclaimer: I offer no judgment of Dooce or the Bloggess or 'a battery of other cyber famous bloggers'. Remember that we are all beautiful flowers. And I also do not claim to know if I spelled these names right, but I'm too lazy to go look it up. Please don't shoot me.

Cheers

2009-11-26T10:43:00.003-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving

NaNo NaNo

2009-11-25T14:28:00.003-05:00

So I went and did it again. I joined the participation in NaNoWriMo. I'm actually doing quite well this year. I'm up to 34,000 words and seem to have steamroller momentum going. The last five days I've been averaging 4,000 words a day. And, the cool part is, I haven't written any filler stuff. I wrote the story and only the story. And I am not writing a conventional novel, I'm writing it all in verse. Like Toby Barlow's Sharp Teeth - one of the best books I think I've read. I fell in love with the format, which I'm sure any of you who've known me in this space for awhile would not find surprising.
I am a poet. I love writing stories and novels and will never stop. But I think in poetry. Words need a cadence for me. I know I'm in my zone when I can hear that cadence. That's when the beautiful words come out of hiding, and that's when the cool ideas start popping out of nowhere.
This in part is why I have been once again absent. Just when I was gaining momentum here. But I don't regret a thing, so you won't be hearing any boring asinine apologies. On top of NaNoWriMo, I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year - only we're doing it on the weekend. I know it sounds too nontraditional, but Canadians don't have Thursday and Friday off. So Saturday it is. I've been preparing for that. I've smattered my house with Christmas decorations. We like to call it the Noel Shotgun Effect. And, because we do en masse birthday parties (ok its only 11 of us) for the summer and winter seasons. Thanksgiving will be the winter birthdays as well. Which means I'm finishing sewing projects for presents. And designing and printing birthday cards.
All of this adds up to a brain that won't turn off till nearly midnight every night, but somehow turns back on at five am. Woot. Somehow I get the feeling I might crash Sunday and sleep all day unintentionally. I don't actually have time for it though. No rest for the wicked you know.

Drugs Across the Street

2009-11-18T21:19:00.004-05:00

http://lejournaldequebec.canoe.ca/journaldequebec/actualites/faitsdiversetjudiciaires/archives/2009/11/20091118-194227.html#texte

The above link will take you to an article about a giant drug bust in a house in the Levis, QC region. It's in French so I'll paraphrase:

A couple in Levis who are Asian were arrested on Tuesday who were growing over 500 plants of marijuana in a residence on the south of the river. The plants are estimated to be worth $500,000. They are suspected to be part of a large ring of Asian drug traffickers who were initially busted last spring.

This house is directly across the street from me. We've been watching police empty the house all day. They've actually been at the house since yesterday afternoon. They even pulled plants from the attic - which is only accessible through crawl spaces.

We had long suspected something weird since the original person who claimed to own the house became less and less frequently there until he stopped coming at all. Then various Asian people would show up about once a week and stay for a few hours then leave. Mowing the lawn mainly - and doing whatever they were doing inside.

We are wondering how damaged the house is. And will it be put up for auction. Can you hear the gears churning?

I have to say I think this is one of the wildest things I've witnessed with police dressed in full chemical protection garb walking in and out, other plain clothes police carrying giant grow lights and plants out. They loaded a trailer about the size of an average horse trailer, twice. Wild I tell you.

Fragments of my World

2009-11-17T07:30:00.004-05:00

Our little girl got her first 'style' - woot!

I was a little nervous about cutting her hair, but in the end I think it turned out pretty darn cute. And she picked the style herself (from a line up of several lengths and styles I showed her).

----------------------------------
I've been in a no cooking rut. This means we've been eating out all too often. It is amazing to me how quickly it shows that this is an unhealthy lifestyle. We go along feeling pretty spiffy and then get in one of these fast food phases and all of a sudden we're really tired, sluggish, having headaches and even signs of feeling generally down in the dumps. Just not a great place to slump into.

And the stupid thing is that I love cooking. I love food and trying new stuff and winter time is the best time too because hefty hot meals are easy to put together. Heck I could at least be giving my crockpot a workout. I should probably get out some of my favorite cookbooks and do a little browsing. I think that would respark my cooking gene.

----------------------------------
Bras

I have never mastered the skill of clasping my bra from the back. I have to clasp it in front and then turn it to the back before inserting arms in straps. I have always held a deep admiration for women with this talent. I can however remove my bra without taking off my shirt, a handy skill for sure.

And then there is the nightly breast scratch after removing the bra. Nothing more satisfying in my opinion, and a ritual which my husband derives much amusement from. You do this right?

All We Need is a LEM

2009-11-16T10:34:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I feel like a 'voice in the wilderness', a 'lone rider'.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm just unrealistic or my expectations are too high.
I get these ideas, and when I discuss them with my Hubby, I get a lot of negative feedback. Not all the time, just the stuff he's not inclined to put effort forth for.

Take for instance garage sales and camping.

We like vacationing with the kids. It's a great way to get ourselves away from his work, the work on the house and really focus on the family. When he takes his vacation and we stay home, we do some family stuff but our tendency is to either work on the house or watch movies. We need to teach our kids more activity than that. And, last summer he actually ended up going in to work for a day during his vacation! Not acceptable. So, since we are trying to be frugal, I thought why not camping? We have a lot of the equipment all ready, we just need to fill in a few things. And for me, some of my best memories as a kid were of camping. From what his mother tells me, Hubby and his family went camping a lot too. I was therefore, revved into telling him this stupendous idea of mine and completely shocked when I got negative fizzle spilling from his brain. It will cost too much. We don't have enough time. If we do that we can only go for one night to start out, etc etc. What? What happened to Mr. Scout?

And the garage sale? This man would rather toss this stuff in the donation bin of our local second hand store. A good charity there is no denying, but since we're being frugal and could use the money, why wouldn't we try selling it in a garage sale first? There is no crime in this. But he thinks it's too much trouble and that we'll only get about $30 total. Uh, not if you don't hand things away.

Well, I for one don't believe in giving up. At least I'm not going to do that anymore. In the past I have allowed his arguments to cave my optimism in. But, I can plan, I can arrange, I can even do these things by myself. But if I do get the ball rolling, then most likely he'll be happy to roll too.

This happened last summer with the house painting. I needed to get the kitchen and living room done. They were atrocious. He didn't want to do it. He had every argument against it. But, as paint is inexpensive, and we had some on hand as well, I saved what was needed and did the painting myself. In the end, he chipped in on the last day (he was off work by then) and ended up getting his own momentum started to dig in to some reno projects. And he later told me he doesn't feel so apprehensive about doing this stuff when I've dug my heels in and gotten the whole thing off the ground.

But what I want to know is why a man who leads over a hundred people in projects, who has camped practically all his life, who knows how to do practically everything, doesn't want to do these things? Sometimes I question whether he's happy hanging with the family. He loves us, that is undeniable. But does he love being with us? Maybe I'm taking this waaaay too far. Maybe he's tired from work and the effort takes too much from him? This one would be understandable except when I say I will take care of it he gives me a rather disappointing answer : I'd rather do it myself or do it together - this gives me the indication that he does not trust I can do these things myself. I wonder if he truly realizes how stubborn I am.

Marriage is such a maneuvering matter - I never expected it to be.

P.S. if you were wondering about the title and/or tag check out From the Earth to the Moon - absolutely fantastic series about the NASA Apollo program!

Cultivating Your Kids

2009-11-09T07:16:00.003-05:00

I ordered The Best Old Movies for Families by Ty Burr, a film critic, a few weeks ago. He shares how he got his children interested in old classics and lays out great strategy for introducing oldies to your kids. It is a fun book to peruse. Burr gives great suggestions for starting out with young children and sections of his book dedicated to age of child, genre of movie and the people (actors and directors) who made them.

I was so inspired that I immediately ordered five old DVD's for our collection. We had been wanting to beef up our DVD selection with older classics and this gave me a great jumping off point. I was happily bemused when my children delighted at the movies. The twins being almost five, were an easier sell. I ordered a musical (Singing in the Rain), an adventure (Adventures of Robin Hood), a western (Stagecoach), a sci-fi (The Day the Earth Stood Still) and a romantic screwball comedy. The sci-fi is too scary for them yet, so we'll wait. But the other four were a big hit. The romantic comedy would have flopped I think, but it has a leopard and an adorable terrier as two of the main characters (Bringing Up Baby).

I had never seen Bringing up Baby before and I found myself laughing throughout the entire movie. It was so much fun. As for the other movies, I had seen them but didn't remember them much since I'd watched them with my mother as a kid. They were all delightful. Now my teenager tried to act like he was just too far beyond these movies, but I've noticed that he watches riveted as long as he's unaware of us noticing him.

This book has been a treasure trove of information and set us on a path that I hope to wander for a long time.

OMG WTF

2009-11-06T15:50:00.004-05:00

So I've been sick. Today, I'm marching towards flu symptoms. Oh yay. In the interest of knowledge is power, I went looking on the net for information about early symptoms of H1N1. I know, paranoia at its best. As I was searching, I came across a very informative site which also has a page concerning health insurance coverage and treatment of H1N1. Um, I hadn't even thought of that.

To be honest, I didn't have to. I live in Canada as a permanent resident. I and my family are all receiving publicly funded health care, as does everyone in Canada. And despite the complaints, and failures in the system, by and large it works. And we sure don't have to worry if we're covered before we see a doctor or get a prescription. (Note: we do pay a 10% copay for our prescriptions, but considering pharmaceuticals cost up to 70% less here in the first place, we're not talking about breaking the bank, ever.)

So this website talks about how many insurance companies in the U.S. are not covering treatment of H1N1 once you've got it. Or some that are covering it are charging hefty copays. I don't know about you, but I think that's deplorable. This is a potentially deadly illness. They should not be allowed to NOT COVER people. Not to mention the fact that the best defense we have against the PANDEMIC is to get inoculated or treated. I think of all the people south of us who have lost jobs, or are making less than they can get by on right now. What are they supposed to do if they get sick? Fat cat CEO's sit in their fancy offices with fancy houses and all the money in the bank to pay for treatments whatever the costs. I don't begrudge anyone their wealth earned the right, good old American know-how and gumption way. But profiteering off of people's health and potential death makes me sick.

Now I'd sure like to know why public health options are so 'scary' when private insurance companies (and their lobbyists) are the scariest things I've heard of. And believe me, I've dealt with them. I've had things that were covered by my policy denied just because they try not to pay. You have to fight them to get them to cover even things in your policy. It is a shameful thing that our country being one of the richest, most resource-laden countries, has a problem like this and it continues through ignorance and spin.

I'm not saying there aren't problems with public health coverage. I'm not saying the problems aren't complicated. But dammit, access to proper health care should be considered a RIGHT not a privilege.

P.S. A couple of bloggers out there have been going through some tough stuff, so stop by and give your love will ya?

Suebob at Red Stapler just got laid off.
And Mamatulip at Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket has had H1N1.

In My Confessional

2009-11-03T17:39:00.000-05:00

Confessions of a wannabe novelist:

I use the Thesaurus. Though I feel guilty whenever I do.

Naming my characters is the hardest part of the job.

Sometimes I get to cackling like a mad scientist when I write. Seriously. It just is so much fun when your characters come to life and start defying you like rebellious teenage children.

I doubt myself every day.

Most of my writing ideas come from my dreams.

I'm actually more of a poet and I can get a little wordy and lyrical in my prose. I have to watch that.

I am a slow reader. This just seems relevant.

I can only listen to classical music when I write. This is not a snob thing. The problem with any other music is that, if there is singing involved, I will sing. No matter what. That is very distracting.

I talk to my characters as I write. Not always, mostly when they surprise me.

My favorite color is green. This doesn't seem relevant.

2009-11-01T13:27:00.004-05:00

For many years now, I've wrapped my self-worth as a mother around Halloween costumes. I would sew and sew and fret when it came out wonky (as it invariably would). I would march through neighborhoods proud that in spite of the wonkiness, at least the costumes were homemade and clever. But there was always a stress involved. Getting the sewing done on time. Making something the given child wanted. And doing it without losing my cool.

Well no more. Not the losing the cool part, the self worth part. This year, my kids wore what they wanted from among the dress-up clothes we had. And I relaxed. And they had a super fun time. And what more could anyone want for this holiday?

Except. The weather was so stormy, there were trees dropping limbs all over town. Sirens running back and forth to clear roads and accidents. So. Going out, even just in the neighborhood was out of the question. What did we do? Hubby and B hid behind doors in the house and we trick or treated our way around the house. The twins thought it was awesome. I was glad we didn't have to brave the storm and everyone ended the night over joyed.

Tada.

Serious Questions

2009-10-29T07:25:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling worried, confused and sometimes a little unsure who to trust.

My husband and I have been discussing the H1N1 vaccine and other plans of action to protect our family. We feel that erring on the side of caution is the better course. How would we feel if we could have prevented one of our children from being seriously ill, or worse dying, and we hadn't taken precautions?

But. How far do we go? Yes we're going to get the vaccine. According to certain articles, I'm in an at risk age group. Several children of varying ages have now died in Canada. And while we hear that the numbers are still fairly low, would you risk your child's life?

But what about attending school? As far as we're concerned, our teenager goes unless there is some indication it's not safe. But what about the twins in pre-school? We still have to pay the tuition whether they go or not, but going is not an absolute necessity. So do we pull them now, till we can get the vaccine? And if we do, does that mean we all hole up in the house till then?

WHO and Canadian health officials are saying, 'don't travel if you're sick', 'make sure to get the vaccine', but 'go ahead with Halloween plans, no need for a healthy child to skip'. So, which is it? I mean I can't think of a better way for tons of people to meet other tons of people and just one person with the bug could spread it far. Then again, we've had no cases anywhere near here. I don't think we'll be staying home. Our neighborhood barely does Halloween anyways, so we usually visit just three streets. Not so bad.

You know, I never thought I'd have to make these kinds of decisions in my lifetime. Protecting the kids from violence, sex offenders that kind of stuff of course. But an unseen virus that is killing people? No, never considered a pandemic.

There is a community of people (mainly online) here in Canada who are speaking out against getting the vaccine and are saying that H1N1 is a made up thing to scare people into...here's where they get weird - into doing what? Getting a free shot? Not so sure these people are sane.

Then again, my husband and I do not believe in getting the annual flu shot. Normal flues are part of life and the thing is, if we let our bodies fight them, our immune systems handle them. But super shooting everyone contributes a great deal to these superbugs developing.

How are you guys handling this? Or have you even thought about it? What do you think about the conspiracy theories? Or do you think it's not a conspiracy but maybe just blown out of proportion? Are you getting the shot?

Insurance to do your job?

2009-10-22T07:00:00.001-04:00

phone call:

Sales Lady: we have domain name safety feature for only $10 which ensures that when your domain name is coming up for expiration, we won't ever lose your domain for you. You know, in case your credit card information isn't up to date or we can't put the transaction through.

Me: so, does this mean that if something were to happen and the transaction couldn't be completed you wouldn't try to contact me?

Sales Lady: Oh noo, of course we would try to contact you but what if you're not home? what if you're busy with the kids say...this just makes sure that for a whole year we won't lose your domain name

Me: I'd like to think that your customer service is of the quality that you would actually contact me to resolve any problems.

Sales Lady: Oh we're number one on the internet but you just never know what kind of things can happen, or if we try for an extended amount of time and can't find you

Me: well how long do you try to contact someone before you give up?

Sales Lady: Oh we try for at least 30, sometimes 60 days. But you know how phone tag is

Me: Don't you contact people through email?

Sales Lady: Yes, we do that too.

Me: I think I'll take my chances then.

Ummm, hello? If you're a company that wants my business, and wants to keep it, then you shouldn't need this kind of insurance. And what's with this 30 sometimes 60? Don't you have a set policy or are you guessing? You're seriously making me doubt whether I should be using you.

Not Bill's Ted

2009-10-21T06:40:00.000-04:00

My husband has become an addict of Ted talks. Ted is a yearly gathering of heavy thinkers and world shakers who give lectures on great advancement in technology and science, or social trends, and they try to find ways to make a difference. I have been fascinated by a great number of the talks we've listened to.

The one below I really love because my husband and I have been discussing this as a possible new business model in the corporate world and we hope it might become 'norm'. Now the cynics out there will point out that business is about money and that will always trump which inevitably leads to business as usual practices. Believe me, I've argued this point myself. But I can see trends out there that indicate this vision of ours is absolutely possible.

My husband thinks the business measure of success in the near future will be 'how much difference do you make in the world' as opposed to 'how much money do you make'. I'm not naive enough to see that attitude taking without the money incentive being there. Not that there aren't responsible businesses that aren't all about money, but the bottom line is business depends on their bottom line.

However, like the man below delineates, as consumers we can put carrot sticks in front of businesses to be world responsible and that means voting with our money. The more we make choices to support businesses we believe in, other businesses will emulate their models. I think there may be hope for grand change in the human race if we can effect an overhaul like that. A new view of capitalism and consumerism.

(this video takes 16 minutes to watch, but if you have the time it is well worth it)

Hatboxes and Mini Bars

2009-10-18T21:35:00.012-04:00

When my parents visited a little over a year ago, my mother bought the twins each a little suitcase. We were about to embark on a vacation to the ocean and she wanted them to have their own little cases. They adored them. They often used them for overnight visits to Mami and Papi's house here (paternal grandparents). But they were big box store cheap plasticy things. Which means they barely lasted that year and now have tears in them. A shame really. Of late I'm a little more adverse to plastic and big box mainly because it feeds the landfills. Then I saw this:

Going to Grandma's wherein a crafty woman took a really ugly old suitcase and made it all cute.

(Picture from www.craftzine.com)

That's when the hair crawled up my butt. Sooo, for my daughter, I started with this little case I bought at a flea market for $5:

and ended with this:

Total cost ran me about $8 - the suitcase plus the strap, a pillowcase for the interior and pieces of a sheet for the exterior all bought at the second hand store.

For my son, I recently found this at the second hand store.

I paid $3 for it. It was a traveling mini bar. I'm going to be giving it a bit of a boyish makeover. This time I'm using fabrics all ready in my stash so the cost is basically the cost of the suitcase itself woo hoo!

Man I love this stuff. It's so fun to make a transformation like that. And of course the romantic side of me pictures my little minions toting their adorable suitcases up to Grandma's house with a big beaming grin. Awwwww.

Now I Lay Me Down to Ponder All the Miniscule Data Running Through My Head Constantly

2009-10-15T22:33:00.002-04:00

I am suffering insomnia. At least that's what I'd call it. I have a horrible time falling asleep at night. Then around 3 am, I wake up with no hint of falling back to sleep for at least two hours. Some nights (mornings to be exact) I do end up sleeping again, others I just get up and putter till the house comes alive. After a couple days of this I end up crashing around 8 pm one night. Of course, the 3 am wake up call still happens. Arrrrgh.

In a way I can't figure out if this is hindering or helping creativity. I certainly do a lot more writing and pondering during the wee hours of quiet mornings. But my brain gets muddled from the fatigue and I start speaking in that weird, menstrual, backwards way. Which leads to a lot of laughing from my family, obviously laughing at me not with me. Heh.

I have had days when my husband comes home from work and says, "Are you all right? You're white as a ghost." So I look in the mirror, and indeed, he is telling the truth. I look like death's door. Ugh.

On an up note, I rescued a neighborhood cat today. Though a very small deed, I felt heartened by it. This little cat wanders our neighborhood far and wide. She likes to hunt in our backyard as we border a woodsy area with no other houses in back - resulting in lots of cat delicious prey (mice). I like that she gets the mice and she's friendly. So today when I returned home from errands and found her crouching under the table on our deck looking frightened, I called her to me. Maybe the dog across the street had just scared her. She came to me right away (once I remembered that here they don't call 'kitty kitty kitty' they call 'minou minou minou'). She was limping and trying desperately not to put weight on her right paw. I picked her up and checked her paw, it was bleeding. I took her to her house and knocked not finding anyone home. So I put her on their deck and watched for their car. When they returned they took poor kitty in and later to the vet. I was happy to know she'd been cared for. Ahhh kitties.

Now since I'm not tired in the least and everyone else is asleep, I guess I'll go watch some ridiculously romantic movie.

Cheap Date

2009-09-29T20:06:00.003-04:00

First, forgive me for being non-existent. Truly you must. For no other reason than I said so. I am trying to get around the block here so look for my shining face on your blogs soon.

---------

We are trying to be frugal. We have just celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. This would be the non-secret wedding. Heh. We didn't want to go out, because that would require babysitters which is either money or inconveniencing family. So it was to be an in-house date. Problem is, we do those rather frequently, so we wanted to make it a bit more special. Then I got a brilliant idea. (Read somewhat out of the norm but not that spectacular, heh.)

First we decided to cook dinner together because we rarely get to do that. We went whole hog with candlelight and wine. We made one of our favorite meals: steak tartare. We coupled that with absolutely delicious home fries sauced up with the sauce in this recipe: L'Entrecote Steak with Mustard Sauce. Add in a little candy and cookies at the end and we had a virtual culinary heaven.

For entertainment: this is where I get all 'out of the box' ha ha. I made it a Wii date. We don't own a Wii. I borrowed my sister-in-law's Wii and we played together for hours. Free entertainment, goofy fun over wine. Oh yeah.

It was a lovely evening to remember all our evenings thus far. Six years married, seven together, seems like a flash in the pan. Looking forward to more cheap dates.

---BTW

Wine: 12.00
Steak: 9.40
Potatoes: 1.00 (at most)
Mustard Sauce: 1.00 (at most)
Candy: 6.00
Cookies: 2.50
Wii: free!

Total cost of Cheap Azz Date: 31.90

Think about a nice dinner out and entertainment afterwards. Much much more. Can you hear the pride? Sometimes being cheap can be good. And believe me, it was romantic.

Cutting a Rug

2009-09-19T15:48:00.003-04:00

Ok so there's this guy, he's a great woodworker. He makes all kinds of lovely things and sells them to support himself. It's a great way to make his money. He does what he loves and shares beautiful work with the world.

He makes a tutorial because he wants to help other people enjoy his craft. He does the tutorial for a small jewelry box. It's fairly easy to make, with a few instructions that may not have been intuitive. It's a nice tutorial. But its a box. Seriously. And then he says, don't use this tutorial to make your own boxes and sell them. Use it for personal use only.

Now I'm pretty sure that he's not the first person to make a box. Nor is his tutorial going to put himself out of business. And, maybe there are a few twists to it that were a little difficult to figure out, but honestly if someone took the time to sit down and really plan it, they could have done it. So why should this preclude anyone from making and selling similar jewelry boxes?

When you buy a pattern at the fabric store (excluding some indie pattern designers that have of recent started using this wording) you are not told you cannot make the items from the pattern to sell. That's up to you.

The woodworker is not real. Its an example.

I love crafting sites. I visit them frequently and have learned a ton from them. I never ever disrespect their requests when they post a tutorial. But I do feel that it's not really fair to tell people that they cannot make a tote bag, or purse, or lunch bag or pair of pants and sell them when the actual 'design' is nothing new and easy enough to figure out. Some tutorials are more complicated and really great lessons. I understand, but I still question. I don't agree with this practice because it implies exclusivity on something that is technically intellectual. Any person with enough skill and imagination could make their own and be called on a carpet that never really existed under their feet in the first place.

What do you think?

Mommy's Nerves

2009-09-09T06:44:00.002-04:00

They had their first day of preschool.

They got themselves dressed and looked appropriately adorable.

There was a small negotiation. G consented to leaving his blankie behind.

Dragging backpacks practically as big as themselves, they bounded into the car with all kinds of chatter about new friends and toys and stories and coloring.

Mom however took the time to remind them of the rules. And her head was swimming with anticipation. Would they cry? Would they get along with the other kids? Would they use their French? Would they listen to their teachers? Would they participate? Would they make friends? Would they have fun?

That is a lot of would.

All three arrived at the preschool and before Mom had barely 10 seconds to say good-bye, they ran into their classroom and never looked back. Mom stood watching for just a few seconds, then forced herself into the car and drove home still going over her woulds.

At home, Mom tried to work. Tried to write. She did ok. But every noise in the house made her jump and then she'd think about her minions and their day. The time that she thought would fly too fast, took longer than that. Finally she was able to jump in her car and go back to her 'not babies'.

Each child is called and allowed to come running through the door to their parent, one at a time for safety. Mom's twins were called. Only one came out. G had donned his coat and shoes and promptly sat back down to color some more. He was torn from his fun and reluctantly joined Mom.

"I want to stay at school" he whined. Mom was delighted. What a relief. Teacher informed Mom, the day was A Number One Aces. Whew.

All the way home, G and W talked and talked over each other telling Mom about the story they heard, the page they colored, the toys they played with.

Awww, now Mom worries about time, and how fast it will speed by.

Buried Treasure

2009-09-07T15:17:00.002-04:00

This is my absolute favorite vegetable I've grown. Potatoes grow without much help. And all through the season, as the tops keep popping up through the mound you build, underneath the most wonderful thing is happening. When it's time to harvest the potatoes, it's like having Christmas to me. Kneeling down in the dirt, I won't even use gloves. Digging in to the cool soil, letting my fingernails blacken as I search for hidden treasures. Pulling one, two, more more more, delighting at finding each one. A gardener's playground.

I Feel So Reused

2009-09-02T12:56:00.006-04:00

So I started a crusade a while back to get this family on a more green road. The first thing I sacrificed was my swiffers. I stopped using it all together until I discovered that a felted wool sweater, cut just the size of my swiffer mopper head works like a charm. No throw away pads, one happy swiffer. (I don't use the bottles anymore since they are not refillable - I just hand spray my homemade cleaner as I go).

Then I gave up my disposable toilet cleaner heads. This was difficult for me. The convenience of it coupled with the absence of yucky toilet brushes hanging around had me in love with these things. But, I had to admit they were just not right. So, since I refuse to have those disgusting toilet brushes around, I bought myself rubber gloves (that I reuse - so far one pair in 6 months) and I use a rag and that's it. The rag is washable, the gloves get washed after each use and there I am, clean bathroom no yucky toilet water covered brush.

Then we switched to cloth napkins. What a great thing this is. I love it. No waste. The extra laundry it causes is so minimal, it's ridiculous. We use the napkin several days as long as it isn't yucky with food stuffs. So I'm not even doing extra laundry every day. Ha.

I've switched to laptop lunch boxes (bento style and BPA free) for the lunches to eliminate baggies. Another crutch of mine. We use containers and I'm in the middle of making reusable sandwich wraps like this

--picture from www.thebestofdiy.com

and reusable lunch bags and snack bags like this.

--picture from http://repurposeful.wordpress.com/

My goal for this year is to have all of us eating no waste lunches. Yeah!

Repurposing has been a real adventure. We've repurposed furniture like these. Remember this?

Now it looks like this!

Note the change from insanely grass green and blue walls to soft lemony yellow. Mmmm.

I've been goofing around with altering clothes for fun and here is a project I did recently. My mother gave me that brown shirt and it was so huge I figured it would be only suitable as a nightgown. But I liked the picture on it and I remembered I had another shirt that didn't fit well that I'd been planning to alter, so I combined them. I love hoodies. This was a fun project.

Now if I could get myself weaned from freezer zip bags, I'd have quite a few vices exorcised. Muahahaha.

What have I become?

2009-08-19T20:54:00.004-04:00

You know, I used to be funny here. I went back and read this post and this one too. I'm wondering why I haven't been so fun anymore? In an odd twist of irony, I'm being superfun in real life, but seem to be expending it all there. Not that that's bad, but I liked being fun here. I like it when you guys are fun (you know you are always). And because the gods are cruel and laugh at us, reading me being funny made me very sad. Sad that I've lost a little of that here.

Last year seemed mostly a whirlwind of politics and fervent passion. Reinvention and reacquaintence with the not depressed me. And in all that wildly swinging emotion, I suppose here became a place to play it safe. I'm glad you guys have stuck around. Even while I've been a boring stiff.

And the poetry? This one has been fairly killing me inside. The creative writing (short stories and novel work) is going great. But the poetry is gone gone gone. That has been such an integral part of me all my life, I feel a gaping wound where it used to lodge in my heart. I must try to find that voice again. I must try to find this wordy girl again.

The Humerus

2009-08-18T19:03:00.002-04:00

I have some news. I have a new man in my life. He sort of burst onto my scene all of a sudden. He has wonderful insight, great intelligence and he's quite engaging. I love the way he picks up on everyday things and makes them seem so wild and strange. He makes me laugh and laugh. Let me share a little of his humour:

Seriously, we bought two of his videos and we were crying from laughing so hard. I think it's his combination of wit and physical demonstration. Plus he's very clean, no swearing. Don't get me wrong, we have Lewis Black videos and if you've never watched him, be prepared for swearing every other word. We're not adverse to swearing comics, it's just fun to watch something without having to wait for kids to fall asleep.

We used to love watching Comedy Central and the Comedy Network. Finding a new comedian worth his salt was always fun. So, any comedians you'd recommend?

What I did for my summer vacation

2009-08-15T18:07:00.010-04:00

Hi there.

Remember me? Sure you do, it's only been a month. Where in the heck did my month go?

Here's a little bit of it:

We had a hat party.

And this young man

turned 13!

Do you have an incantation for the sun?

2009-07-07T09:17:00.002-04:00

Um, apparently summer was destined to last only three days. Yeah.

Our annual 4th of July bbq and fireworks got completely rained out. We moved the party inside and were forced to opt out of the fireworks till a future date. If it ever stops raining that is.

Here in Quebec they have many familiar sayings that the Seattle crowd throw around.

"Take a shower and you might miss summer"
"I went to the bathroom and when I came out, summer was over"

but this one they hadn't heard and I'm proud that it made them all laugh heartily:

"People in Seattle (insert Quebec) don't tan they rust!"

Speaking of wet things...
G (the twin boy now 4 years old) is still having difficulties with bed wetting. So, we went and got some environmentally friendly nighttime trainers which are washable. Nothing new here really, this will pass as his body matures. But the funny part is as follows:
He receives a treat for every dry night he has. One morning, wanting his treat he told me this "A monster came in the night and put water in my bed".

Shaken Not Stirred

2009-07-02T14:16:00.003-04:00

I feel like a snow globe, blizzardy mixed up.
I wonder if so much of me should be hanging out here, or should I zip the fly and hide a bit? I've been extremely candid over the last three years and I find there are things here that I really don't want the world to see or know. It was ok when it was just us, you know. But then all those fly byers came and went here and there and now I'm getting random emails about advertising - who the heck knows why, my traffic (which I haven't looked at in at least a year) can't be that high - and it worries me. Worries me that so many unknowns have access to so many intimate details.

But I want to stay true. I find myself editing out touchier parts a lot now a days for several valid reasons. One of which is the desire to leave the whiny me behind. Oh I will always need to whine a bit, but you know, now that things are smoothing out in my world, I can see that I have been quite the whiner. Thanks for the support by the way. Another is this intense desire for privacy all of a sudden. I think this was partly influenced by reading The Traveler which sort of freaked me out about how much people can know about you. And there is my kids. My son is getting old enough to be poking around the nets and you know, things here have been said that might better be left out of his knowledge base.

I have been feeling in and out, up and down, hot and cool about my hubby lately. Nothing bad or serious. Just marriage I think. In August (the 5th to be precise) we will have been together 7 years. I suppose this explains some of the irritation we've been struggling with of late. We're too used to each other. I feel so overlooked sometimes. He has started doing the 'uh huh' thing. You know, when someone knows you well enough to sort of half listen and know the basics of what you say so they just 'uh huh' you? I don't want to be uh huh'd.
Money. Number one cause of stress in relationships. Yeah we feel it. We're in a loop right now and it sucks. It seems like every time we turn around something big breaks and we have to fix it which means our debt is not going down at all. That is such a discouraging thing to see. But it would not be prudent to neglect the brakes on the van or the computers which link us both to our jobs. So we stress. And we talk, we argue sometimes but in the end mostly we talk.

In the mix of this Me cocktail, there is a feeling of meeting. My horizon is finding my road and I am quickening on that trail. I feel it. Things are changing. I'm getting closer to some goals of mine that are dear to me. As my time expands beyond constant watcher, I am delving deeper into my pursuits. And my curiosity and thirst for knowledge is increasing. I used to write mainly the things in my head, fiction for fiction's sake. But I find myself quite enraptured with research of late. General writing research and more specific subjects. I'm forming some long term goals in my head beyond just to write. I can see some projects I'd like to pursue writing about. That's an exciting feeling.

So here I am shaken but not stirred.

The great thing is that I have changed emotionally. I feel that too. I am so unruffled of late. I may be shaken but I'm not freaked out about it. My mood has remained cool in the shade, taking time to sit under palm trees on hot beaches of mental landscapes while thinking things through. Time to think things through has such a profound effect on reaction.

So if you see a lady in a big bubble full of floating fake snow, just rolling along with a contented smile on her face, that's me. Shaken, but not stirred.

Professional Moves

2009-06-19T10:37:00.004-04:00

I have had a reading. It was an audience of around 30. Young people, who were trapped into listening to me and not even in their native language. There's nothing like having a 'captive' audience.

I shared a short story I wrote just for the occasion - Parent Week at my son's school. I had a full cheer at the end, though I'm not sure if they had been coerced by their teacher. =)

-----------------------------------

In my ever drawn out adventures considering my future and a profession beyond this great ambition of writing, I toyed with becoming educated as a sound engineer. But then I went searching for jobs in my area. Um. Zilch. How's that for a professional outlook? Back to my drawing board and sticking to the clickity clack of my typewriter. We shall see.

At least the creative juices are drawing me to the writing table instead of feeling like avoiding it.

-----------------------------------

Twins. I recently taught them the I'm a Little Teapot song and they love it. We're currently learning how to jump rope with little first success but a lot of great giggles. We've had some wonderfully hot days this week which meant the wading pool came out and splashing became the mode of the day. Even I was pulled in. Literally.

There have been sandbirds to make (needing finishing with the glue gun) and homemade spring daffodils gracing the table. We have taken to reading books under a blanket with a flashlight, because it's so much more 'romantic' that way. The twins almost seem to feel like they are doing something not allowed.

The scouts had a big bike ride and I joined my eldest for the spin. It was exhilerating riding along with 200 others, protected by police escort. They should do that every year. Hopefully they will.

-----------------------------------------

I got all geeky and stuff and built myself a new computer. The big secret is that we're making a giant computer shuffle. My laptop will be cleaned and transferred to the kitchen computer area and the kitchen computer will be fixed up as a birthday present for eldest on his way to Secondaire next year (7th grade). Building your own computer is rather exciting. It makes you feel like a real techie even if it is as simple as reading the manual (RTFM)! I suppose the fact that it has worked perfectly since I built it shows some level of geek prowess.

-----------------------------------------

The garden is coming along splendidly except that I suspect beetles have invaded. Several plants have been eaten very young, a couple of seeds were eaten before they sprouted out. I am more and more confident that the changes I made to the garden and effective fighting tools (organic thank you) have routed my snail problem. Now what to do about these dang beetles, if in fact that is the problem, before all my beans are holey and dead? Research research.

-----------------------------------------

My Little Bot Lady's Maids

2009-06-11T13:39:00.005-04:00

You know that self-clean button on the oven that does wonders for all those sticky spills? I just love that. And I was thinking, how wonderful it would be to have a self cleaning body. Like maybe little nanobots could do all your grooming at night while you sleep: washing, washing the hair (maybe using some fantastic futuristic dry chemical shampoo and conditioner specified to your hair type of course), removing all unwanted hairs. It'd be great to wake up all fresh and ready to go.

------------------------------

Bread day is back! I had given up (once again! I think I'm now on round 4) trying to please my family with homemade bread. I can hear the gasp of hundreds (ok all 8 of you) thinking who in their right mind wouldn't like homemade bread? Well, let me tell you, these are toast people. If it isn't perfectly light and full of delicious little holes then it just isn't good enough. Homemade bread tends to the denser side. At least it did until this:

They have a recipe for American White Bread which is basically your toast-lovin'-holey-white-bread bread. And it works. I made the most light, fluffy, airy, holey bread I've ever seen yesterday. And homemade bread is back on the menu! Not to mention easing the budget - as in about 20 cents per loaf as opposed to 2.40 per store loaf.

----------------------------------

I've been using my typewriter to write my book. I can't resist the sound it makes and the feel of the smooth black keys. The strength it takes to push the keys enough to show a letter makes me take my time and that in turn fosters well thought out sentences. Glorious words have been issuing forth from my speed-decreased brain. Of course, I then have to transcribe what I wrote into the computer, but the glory of that is I can do a quick edit as I go. Yeah, I love my typewriter.

Getting Deep

2009-06-02T13:00:00.000-04:00

I met a couple once. I was working for an architectural and engineering firm in Las Vegas. I was a single mom at the time. It just so happened that I had a weekend off because my son was spending it with grandma and grandpa. This guy worked as a temp where I worked. He invited me to go out with his girlfriend and him for the night. I acquiesced.
So, this couple we'll call Jeff and Renee pick me up and we head out to a cafe, then a meal on the cheap and end up at one of their parents' houses - who apparently were out of town for the weekend, score. They lived in some ridiculously small apartment and of course so did I.
Well, one starry night, a couple of wads of green weed and a pipe led to some interesting conversation in which I was cornered into hearing the sordid but romantic story of how Jeff became disenchanted with his current girlfriend when he met Renee and just had to leave her to be with Renee but Renee being the ever upright citizen (um ok) made him tell his ex girlfriend the truth (wha?).
At this point Jeff becomes visibly uncomfortable and indicates he wants her to stop the story. Ah the glories of love. She finishes the story anyways and he proceeds to tell me that she talks too much, a fault she's working on with her therapist. Which of course pisses her off because why would you want anyone to know you're seeing a therapist, but then why would you want anyone to know you cheated on your ex and then left her for the current girl?
I'm bewildered at this point and stoned, so you can imagine I could not think of a single intelligent thing to say. In the ensuing argument between them about these provocative reveals, they decide not to talk to each other any more. And there we sat in a bummed out, ruined high of a silence. We decide to go to bed.
What do you think happens next? Well about a half hour into my rather uncomfortable sleep, I hear my door being knocked on and enters Jeff. Oh shit.
He wants to be with me. He can't stay with Renee. He has fallen in love with me and cannot stand it anymore. (Translation I'm a repeat offending jerk and want to get in your pants.) I am completely disgusted by this obviously unoriginal act and tell him to go back to his girlfriend who, if he remembered correctly, he had promised to stay with after having left a different girl. He slunk away in sheepish quiet and I slept with one eye open.
I find it funny when people talk a good game of deeply philosophical uprightness and then fail miserably to live it. (Not that I'm perfect at this stuff of course, but hey, we're not really talking about me anyways right?)

The Last Day

2009-06-01T07:52:00.003-04:00

It's the last day for my drawing over on Brown Books Project. Head over before 8 pm Eastern Time and you might win a prize! Just leave a comment at this post and you're entered to win.

Happy Reading All!

Maggie Moss....Come On Down!

2009-05-27T11:09:00.005-04:00

I have a confession.

I am a game show addict. Not reality shows game shows, I mean your Bob Barker Price is Right type. When we had TV channels flowing in to our wires, I loved watching those games on HGTV where a couple would have to guess the price of a house and if they were right they won it. Or, Ben Stein's Money. But my absolute favorite, now don't shoot me, was Wheel of Fortune. I just couldn't help myself. I love the show and I was invariably better than any of the contestants. Of course, I wasn't in front of a camera, live audience and standing next to competitive spellers.

Family Feud. That was so much fun. And I really like Louie Anderson. The original host was kinda smarmy.

I never much got into Who Wants to be a Millionaire, but I did love watching Alex Trebek and his Jeopardy.

Do you guys remember the Gong Show? There's an oldie.

Oh, and I loved both versions of Whose Line Is It Anyways, which was really more of a comedic show, but always side splitting.

Yeah, I miss the shows. Sometimes.

Any of you have strange TV addictions?

Shameless Shameless

2009-05-27T11:07:00.003-04:00

I'm having a drawing. Over at the Brown Books Blog! Go there and put a comment on this post. There are no obligations, you do not have to read the book we're about to take on, but if it interests you, you never know. In any case, I will be drawing a lucky winner Monday, June 1st at 8:00 pm Eastern Time. Go, be a contestant!

Tempting the Tongue

2009-05-21T08:03:00.000-04:00

I want to talk about food. Because it encompasses my universe.

In a budget conscious time, we still want our gourmand palate satisfied. By we I am of course referring to my husband and I. As far as the kids are concerned the following meals are all they could ever need:

pizza
macaroni and cheese
hot dogs
hamburgers
grilled cheese
spaghetti
cookies
ice cream

And I am all too happy to oblige since these meals fit quite easily into a tight budget. But for us (the foodie two of the family) I've been finagling. For instance, I found a salmon flank on sale for half price. Whip up a lemon thyme marinade, grill that sucker and add in a light summer salad with grapefruit juice vinaigrette (have I mentioned this is my new addiction?) and voila! C'est magnifique. (Practicing French never hurts - especially when referring to food)

Another great mouth melter: One of our favorite vegetable sides happens to be a spring veggie and therefore found at wonderful prices right now. Asparagus, my second love. Prep these guys up, cut in 1 to 2 inch pieces, douse with a balanced amount (read: not drowning but coated) of olive oil, sprinkle with about a tablespoon of sea salt, toss to mix and throw in a 400 degree oven for about 30 minutes and ooh baby have you got something.

Foodie Faux Pas: do not under any circumstances buy medallion steaks at half off nearing their expiration date and expect to actually make steaks with them. Nope. You could cut the meat and use it for stew or something, but the idea of them being good steaks equals total mistake. Ugh. To call it tough would be a compliment.

Ice Cream. What else can you say? Except perhaps Homemade Ice Cream. Oh yeah. I've wanted an ice cream maker for at least four years. I finally broke down and bought one. I am giving the no rock salt variety a try. Yesterday I whipped up a batch of Creamsicle Cake Mix Ice Cream - my own creation. The oohs and aahs have it. Two thumbs up and here comes a summer of frozen fun.

Foodie Quip: you never realize just how much you need a whisk until you haven't got one. Rue? Gravy? Sauces? Good luck.

I found my bellybutton!

2009-05-20T07:52:00.002-04:00

I've been gathering a lot of Moss. Lack of inertia rushed in like a broken dam and flooded my days. Standing still has not kept me from working. Physical work demands constant attention, seasonal jobs have drawn my sweat like snake poison. But the mental satisfaction of any of it has been absent. Unhappy? Depressed? I don't feel so.
Inside my family I've been expressive, silly and focused. Children have had nearly undivided attention during the days. The onset of Spring and Summer weather has triggered annual emotions of hope and visions of gardening grandeur.
But coming here has been a chore. The desire is there. I miss your words, the giggle inducing quips. I am aware of an awakening on the brink. Drawn deeply inward, my thoughts have all but exhausted the energy for personal analysis. "I set my mind in motion" and force my feet into daylight.

I wielded the Rapier of Unfairness

2009-05-14T07:15:00.004-04:00

It's hard to watch someone you love struggle to be happy. It's harder still when you've known them as positive, upbeat and silly before. But most difficult is telling them that they are hurting the people around them. And they knew that on a level, but were so deeply affected by their health and situation they couldn't seem to do what they ought to about it. But when the foot came down, the gentle demand for them to rest and take care of themselves was made, they came through and it made me happy. There still lies a long road before him to recovery, but we're getting there, little steps at a time.

-------------------------------------------

I made a new friend! Technically she's still more of an acquaintance. But I feel a budding friendship. Hopefully we can click. She is a neighbor whose son is just two months younger than the twins. She recently left her job to start a home daycare. I have spoken to her nearly every day as she passes for a walk with the kids. Yesterday she invited the twins to come play in the afternoon for an hour with the kids. She was so nice. And when she brought the kids back, she and her son and one child still waiting to be picked up stayed to play in our yard for a few minutes. And we talked. I used mostly french. Not necessarily great french, but hey, it's a start. Yay!

--------------------------------------------

I had a birthday on Monday. I turned something above 35. I'm not feeling so down about gaining a year. Last year was tougher for me. I've had some fun for the event. I made myself a red velvet cake. Oh my. I used some birthday money to buy a shelf for my fabric stash and some organizational things for getting my space in order. I bought myself a chair (actually a stool) with wheels for my studio space so I can fly between my computer and my sewing machine. Wheee!

My husband gave me the three Dvd's put out by the Mythbusters. Oh yeah. It was definitely a wonderful birthday.

--------------------------------------------

We've started playing a new card game called Munchkin. It's hilarious and so much fun. It is one of those games where you have to fight monsters and gain powers and such, but it is extremely tongue in cheek. Like you can get the Boots of Butt Kicking or the Chainsaw of Bloody Dismemberment. We're always glad to find new games to play as a family (right now this one is just played with B - the twins will have to get a little older). We love this one, and it has a ton of extension packs and variant starter packs, so the fun should go on for quite a while. If you love funny games, check this out.